Jive Turkey Video

A Return to the World Where the Stars Don't Shine: Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011)

2012-02-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

Category: Horror, Shockploitation, Mad Scientist

Written and Directed by Tom Six (Human Centipede: First Sequence, obviously). Netherlands/UK/USA. 88mins

It's just as vile as the last, possibly more so, but this return to the dreaded ass-to-mouth monster is actually pretty funny.

Now by “funny” I don't mean the kind of knee slapping yuckery that drenches every “dudebro” Judd Apatow affiliated comedy, but a drollery more along the lines of the repugnant ridiculousness of a Harmony Korine film (see: Gummo or Trash Humpers). If you've seen the First Sequence (which I would encourage you to do, but maybe only if you are going to watch the second) you've officially been desensitized to at least the first two thirds of the Full Sequence... probably, and therefore you're able to sit back and enjoy the movie. Maybe “enjoy” is not the right word, but you get the meaning.

The world of Human Centipede 2 is one exclusively populated by amoral people, and the hyterical characters that populate this world are the source of most of the humor. The anti-protagonist of the film Martin, played by Laurence R. Harvey (he used to be a childen's entertainer), is a slug-like man unsurpassed in creepiness (which I kind of feel horrible saying because I'm not sure if the actor is wearing make-up or naturally looks the way he does). He lives in squalor with his mother, and obsesses endlessly over the film Human Centipede and actually making a full human centipede. His elderly mother, Vivien Bridson, hates Martin's guts, yearns to end both their lives, and openly blames him for putting her child molesting husband in jail. There's also Martin's psychiatrist, the incredibly bearded Dr. Sebring, Bill Hutchens (Run Away with Me and the upcoming Saint Dracula 3D), who kind of tries to help Martin with his sexually abused past, and makes no secret of his carnal desire for him. Whenever the reprobates that poison the celluloid of Twoman Centipede interact and explosively clash there is such an excess of repulsiveness that all you can do is laugh. It's pushed so far, it goes beyond disgust smack dab into hilarity. The director also, somewhat cleverly, puts ironic distance between the first and second film, as Martin watches the original Centipede film many times, which gives the HC2 an amusing edge.

Super creepy maniacs have feelings too, you know

The Amusement continues in the many visual gags in the film, incredibly dark gags, but gags nonetheless. I might go as far as saying that this film is to the first what Evil Dead 2 was to The Evil Dead. Director Tom Six cranked up what made the first appealing: the larfs, the gore, and the depravity, and ended up with an even more horrifically entertaining flick.

Be warned, though, because in the last third of the film the repugnancy goes so far overboard it I couldn't help but involuntarily shout a few blasphemes aloud. I became so disgusted that I promised myself I would never sit through something like this again. However after discovering that there was a third Centipede in the works (The Final Sequence), I went back on that promise and decided I had to complete the trilogy.

Tom Six with his puppy centipede

Let's bring our attention to the mind behind the malice for a moment, and discuss the writer/director/co-producer Tom Six. In Jean-Pierre Melville style Tom Six is always seen with a cowboy hat, he is a gun enthusiast, and keeps a a group of pet pugs. He admittedly strives to make controversial films, and to shock people, which is no real surprise. The thing that interests me most about Mr. Six, however, is his debut feature: Gay. It's a film about (suprise!) homosexuals, and is apparently a bit of a holy grail of terrible Gaysploitation films. It's clichéd and badly written and seems to have gotten panned across the board, but in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way. For entertainment I suggest reading the reviews on IMDB from latest to first, because after getting dragged through the dirt by every critic, the first review (the last one you get to) is written by someone who genuinely liked it, using the subject line “It made me gay (happy)!”, which is a perfect cherry on top.

Overall Human CenTWOpede is actually a pretty accomplished sequel. The (dare I say) fun is higher, but is a different kind of film. Where Human Centipede was tense, dramatic, and pretty polished, the second is primal, gritty, and brutal as all hell. The movie's also in black and white and takes place in some of the grimiest locales of London, England. Not to overstate it, but where you could say that the first had a sort of Euro elegance, Two has a heavy bleakness that you might see in something by a less arty Gaspar Noé or a psychotic Mike Leigh.

Like Human Centipede, no one can argue that its sequel is quite well made, whether you have an aversion to the subject matter or not. Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence was a step forward from the last and pushed the grue-filled envelope into oblivion. For this I have to give it 4 out of 5 squished baby heads.

Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray on February 14 (St. Valentine's Day). However it's rumored that this is the cut version that was shown in theaters in the US. However, Sundance Now, through Facebook allows you to rent the uncut version.

For two great interviews with Tom Six and Laurence R. Harvey check out the Rue Morgue Podcast

Vehicular Vampirism: Ferat Vampire (1982)

2012-02-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Category: Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller, Killer Car

Written by Jan Fleisher (Vrak), Juraj Herz, Josef Nesvadba (wrote the original story). Directed by Juraj Herz (The Cremator, A Girl Fit to be Killed). Czechoslovakia. 90min

Upír z Feratu AKA Ferat Vampire: a film about a car that sucks blood out of its driver for fuel. Simple enough. What makes this one different is that despite it's super shlocky premise, it actually more in common with a Polanski-esque thriller, than with a run-of-the-mill Euro sleaze-a-thon.

Typical Eurosleaze as seen in Ferat Vampire's film-within-a-film

After strange, hand-painted opening credits, we join Dr. Marek (Jirí Menzel, director of Closely Watched Trains and more recently I Served the King of England), and tough-as-nails ambulance driver Mima (Dagmar Havlová as Dagmar Veskrnová, Normal the Düsseldorf Ripper, The Inheritance of Fuckoffguysgoodday) en route to an emergency. The titular car, or the driver in it, Luisa (Jan Brezkovà), runs interference with the rushed ambulance, halting it in an alley in Buttfuck-nowhere, Prague. She gets the two to check out her bruised and blood drained foot and then speeds away. Spoiler Alert: There was no emergency, it was just Luisa yanking the medic duo.

On their return from the failed rescue, Marek and Mima discover the Vampire (the car), now upturned off the shoulder road, not far from where she left them. The Ferat team arrives almost immediately on the scene to rescue Luisa, and denounce any accusations that the car was to blame for the accident. The couple's encounter with the Ferat company entices Mima back into the racing world she once left, and sends Marek into a world of bizarre intrigue, as he becomes determined to reveal to the world the sinister nature of the Ferat Vampire.

Help! Intrigue!

In typical mystery-thriller fashion à-la Rosemary's Baby or The Tenant, as Marek goes deeper and deeper into the investigation of the nefarious Ferat Company, and their Vampire model, he enters an odyssey of corporate immorality, mind fuckery, and weird-ass characters.

A stand-out kook of the bunch is Dr. Kaplan who, after hearing of Marek's agenda against Ferat, joins the fight and goads Marek on, while trying to convince him that the car is in fact sucking blood from its drivers. This bushy bearded psychology professor is a really animated eccentric who tells all he runs across about his theories, interrupts showers, and takes joy in spooking out Marek just for the fuck of it.

There are a few woman characters in the film who are all varied and interesting, but play troubling role. At the beginning of the feature, women are the ass kickers: Mima is smart, tough and makes Dr. Marek look a bumbling mouse of a man right off the bat (a demeanor that he pretty much retains for the film's duration). Luisa is a famous race car driver, who quickly becomes a victim, but is the victim who sets up the plot, therefor has some agency despite her early elimination. There's also Madame Ferat, the head of the Ferat company, who's got some serious moxie and takes no bullshit. The director also doesn't fetishize the woman with ogling shots (in the beginning of the film, anyway). The problem here is that the strength of the women characters are broken about a quarter into the movie. Mima who enters and leaves the film like a cowboy (please forgive the irony of the male-centric description) is portrayed in the middle of the piece as a wet blanket and a sex object. Luisa is dead, but her sister Clara's (played by the same actor) emerges and adds key suspicion and weirdness to the plot, but becomes a sexual object too. The only dominance she exerts is toward her invalid Grandmother, another female character who's as weak and hysterical. Sure, Madam Ferat never lets up power, but is the typical “evil bitch” archetype, like the Queen in Snow White, who also keeps harem of Promo Babes, utilized for Fermat publicity and sexy furniture. Obviously a Lesbian character is not a negative thing, but in a movie that seems to have a weird misogynist perceptive, a female overlord who treats women as objects much like male versions of her character would, is almost as if thee movie is saying “She's not only evil, she a woman!”

Mima: From Woman...

...to Wet Blanket

Watching the films I love, I run across a lot of misogyny and normally I see it for what it is, and for better or worse, don't dwell on it. This case, on the other hand, is different. It's just plain odd that has women holding their own at the start and them turns them quickly into sexy damsels in distress. Maybe it can be simply chalked up to having three writers, with three different views. Who knows?*

The Vampire on display

Moving on, without taking anything away from the other characters of the film, the Vampire itself needs a little attention paid to it. The Vampire is a sleak, black sports car, that looks similar to the the DeLorean DMC-12 (the time machine in Back to the Future), but instead of the wing doors, the Vampire's windshield opens forward to let people in, sort of like Steve Urkel's car in TV's “Family Mattters”. The Vampire is a car that was made by Škoda Auto, a Czech based car company, but never released. It's manufacturer was changed for the film, obviously, but Škoda is still a heavy presence in the film. The Škoda 81 Rally is the setting for the climax of the film, and I believe that it was filmed in and around the actually Rally. Oh, and did I mention that the car is just really cool looking?

I got the chance to see this film at the Bell Lightbox Theatre in Toronto as part of their currently running series of Soviet Era Sci-Fi films. Check it out here.
This film is released on International DVDs but I'm not sure of the subtitle situation on those releases.

To Sum it up: Blood, Breasts...

To bring it all back home, let me sum up the film in simple terms: it's got weirdness, suspense, breasts*², blood, and is a great little addition to the ever intriguing sub-genre of Soviet Sci-Fi and Horror. It gets 3.5 pricky gas pedals out of 5.

*I apologize for the theoretical interjection, but for I those you who, like me, constantly question the politics behind every film they watch, I encourage you to research Feminist Film Theory. It has a lot to say.

*² Despite my outcry against the sexism of the film, it does have nudity, and as two-faced as it may seem, many people see the appearance of the beautiful female anatomy as a good thing in these kinds of films.

Killa' in Manila: One Armed Executioner (1983)

2012-01-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

Check out full cover at VHS Wasteland

Category: Action, Exploitation, Martial Arts

Written by Ray Hamilton (his only credit) and Bobby A. Suarez (They Call Him Chop Suey, Bionic Boy). Directed by Bobby A. Suarez (Cleopatra Wong, which is packaged with this film on DVD). Philippines. 95mins

Philippines is a magical place*.
The country has a rich history that's worth researching and learning about, if you have the time. However, where Jive Turkey Video is concerned, Philippines is a ruthless geographical hub where plenty of brilliant exploitation fare was spawned... for better or worse.
American filmmakers, like the legendary Jack Hill, used the locale for some of his quick and dirty delights because the production costs were quite a bit lower, and the safety regulations were quite a bit more lax which that let him capture crazier stunts, get pyrotechnics and pull off other awesome practical effects.
Unlike Hill and his contemporaries, the late Bobby A. Suarez, director of One Armed Executioner, was no tourist but an honest to goodness Philippines native. Like a trooper, Suarez worked his way up in the film industry from Janitor (seriously!) to Hotshot(-ish) Producer.
One Armed Executioner came out in the early eighties which was roughly mid career for Suarez. It was also during the downturn of the Grindhouse era, but the beginning of the VHS boom. Sadly, despite it's key release time, the film never seemed to find mass cult status. I myself acquired this baby in it's original release VHS form through Paragon Video (many years after it's release, of course). What's particularly special about the Paragon release is that it crams a glut of trailers, for films that are also distributed on the label, at the top of the presentation. A couple of the trailers included were video faves Boarding House and Fulci's Gates of Hell AKA City of the Living Dead.
Anyway, onwards and upwards:

One Armed Executioner, which no doubt plays off of the classic One-Armed Swordsman film franchise, revolves around an Interpol agent Ortega, played by Franco Guerrero, billed as Chito Guerrero (supporting star of Suarez's Cleopatra Wong, as well as a tertiary role in the copyright-be-damned rip-off film Fight! Batman, Fight! that may unfortunately be lost to the winds of time), looking to bust a drug racket taking place in Manila.

The poster taunting about the magic that
could have been

The movie plays out like a run-of-the-mill cops vs. gangsters film, and leaves the viewer wondering when this whole “One-Armed” deal is going to happen. Well, patience in finally rewarded when about a third of the way through Ortega's children's book writing wife is murdered and Ortega is finally dismembered.
Here is where the film should kick into high gear and Ortega should start taking out his offenders one by one, in only the grisliest fashion. Instead you get to witness Orty tumble into single-stemmed alcoholic squalor. As the movie delved deeper and deeper into his alcohol-soaked depression it made me wonder if maybe the whole “Executioner” moniker of the flick was just a big ruse and we were just going to follow Ortega into his gloomy mono-membered death.
Luckily, a piece past the half-way point, the film picks up with the training sequence we've all been waiting for. An elderly master picks O from the depths of dirge and gets him kicking ass again. This part in no way rivals The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (or it's equally awesome successor/comic re-do Return to the 36th Chamber) but it still a welcome and delightful high point to this (so far) dreary plot. What's special about this kung-fu training though is it also involves gun play, which is both unprecedented and awesome. Of course it begs the question: why didn't the kung-fu master just train him in kung-gun-fu from the start and do away with the whole other crap? Either way, if you've made it this far in the movie, it's smooth sailing from here (as long as you qualify your smoothness in violence and blood and stuff)

The master's servant gets way too emotionally involved with Ortega
(not necessarily shown here)

What follows is the pudenda promulgated romp that you've hoped for. To be fair to the rest of the movie, the amusement is kept up post-mutilation as you see all the great ways they hide the arm. His body obviously gets thicker on one side, but also they seem to bind it in the front, making it look like he has a malformed pot belly. However the last half-hour or so is the best part of the film. There's enough guns, swords, bumbling thugs, etc, to satisfy any cult film crackpot. I just wish the film could take some points from the original One Armed Swordsman and get to the cuttin' sooner than later.

Like the original Zelda game, time-to-sword is minimal
in One Armed Swordsman

Sure, it's a slog at times, but a reasonably fun slog, which makes it a better than half good, and earns it 3 Nazi speed boats out of 5.

*Before writing this article I did research on the proper use of “Philippines” in a sentence. I found that in modern times it is appropriate to treat the word as a proper SINGULAR noun without the use of a definite article in front. If you have evidence that I am incorrect in this usage I invite you to please bring it to my attention via the comments or contact me at jiveturkeyvideo@mail.com.

Jive Turkey Got a Face-lift

2012-01-25T19:00:00.000-08:00

That's right.
We've changed our look, and there's more tweaks to come.

The fancy new header was designed by my girlfriend Mariel Kelly.
Check her out at marielashlinn.com and take a look at her fashion blog and get news about her upcoming store at http://theverynotion.blogspot.com/

Found Footage and Trollhunter (2010): Essay Time!

2012-01-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

The found footage horror film is so commonplace in modern cinema that it's no longer innovative or edgy. This also means that we can look past the gimmick of Found Footage films and start seeing them for what they are, which is not all that bad.
Back in the days of The Last Broadcast (1998) or The Blair Witch Project (1999), dressing a movie up as mysterious footage found in some remote location was a great way to add mystique to a film's release and get asses in theater seats. When Blair Witch came out in the late 90s I was not immune to it's creepy charm. I was convinced this was real footage and that there was a legitimate mystery behind it. I mean, there was a website and everything, I couldn't imagine that the internet would lie to me.

I fell for it... so what

These curiosities were of course killed when the backlash exploded and the truth, that it was really a hoax, came out in the open. I can remember seeing Heather Donahue, one of the characters in Blair Witch who is named the same the actor, on some talk show promoting some teen movie she had a bit role in, my naïve illusion was burst...but I digress.
The venom that was heaped on Blair Witch in the years following its release seemed to do little to discourage the plethora of would-be Found Footage films from hitting the market. Paranormal Activity (2007), Cloverfield (2008), and The Last Exorcism (2010) all use the found footage/mockumentary approach to storytelling, were all released relatively close together and are coming out about a decade after Blair Witch.

We know Godzilla didn't attack New York,
but Cloverfield is still in verité style

Leslie Vernon: a loveable rogue

This sub-genre, flooding of the market as it has, has no doubt turned many people off this kind of movie, but personally I think the saturation is a positive thing: It has given a new sub-genre to Horror. Much like the Slasher, or the Monster movie have done for Horror, the Found Horror has added some new ammo to the cannon. It has it's genre restraints just like the others, but also has the ability to subvert and play with other sub-genres of horror. Take for instance Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006). The movie mixes the traditional slasher with the exposé-style documentary to make a funny and scary flick, that's actually pretty damn good.
The Found Horror also gives independent filmmakers a popularly accepted and understood film form that doesn't require a high budget. It almost does the opposite and demands a low budget (or at least the appearance of one). The film S&Man (2006) (pronounced “Sandman” not “S-ampersand-Man”) is, at it's core, a really intelligent and even handed documentary investigating good, bad and ugly of underground gore/horror films. Throughout the documentary is also weaves a story of a horror fan who may also be a murderous psychopath and in turn becomes a sort-of found indie Horror flick itself. The film is very low budget, and rightfully so, as it's documenting super low budget films, as well as throwing its own hat into the ring as a frugal fright flick.
Of course Found Horror isn't without drawbacks. Just like any other genre there's a lot of crap out there. But there are gems, and the crap make the gems shine brighter, and this is where we finally get to Trollhunter.

Jive Turkey shines a light on Found Horror

Category: Horror, Creature Feature, Found Footage, Norway!

Written by André Øvredal and Håvard S. Johansen. Directed by André Øvredal (Future Murder). Norway. 103min

Trollhunter sells itself very much like a found footage films, kicking off with a brief explanation of where the footage was found and what was done to it in order to bring it to the screen.
At the core of the film, there's not too many surprises. It hits all the right notes of these kind of films and doesn't really play with expectations or flip genre conventions.
So how can it be so good?
Well think of it as a well written pop song. A ditty by Superchunk or Big Star or something. It hits the verse, chorus, verse structure, but does so very well you fall in love with it so easily. It's paced nicely and keeps your attention the whole time, but doesn't become annoying or repetitive. Trollhunter is the “I Want You to Want Me” of Found Horror Films.
Oh, did I mention it has trolls in it?!
I haven't seen a troll film since, well, Troll (1986) (and no, Troll 2 doesn't count, because despite its title, it had goblins). However in this film they are not weird little mischievous monsters, but huge hulking brutes, as they should be. They're essentially the Norse version of Kaijus and are terrifying.
It's like a Scandinavian Jurassic Park without the boring stuff and Spielberg touch. Much more raw and much more brutal. So maybe it's the “Take on Me” of Found Horror, but “Take on Me” done in the style of Black Metal. (How would that sound?)

The Gang suited up for the hunt

In a few words: it's just really great.
So like it or not, Found Horror has not found it's death... yet. There's apparently still more to say.
Trollhunter gets 4 chewed up tires out of 5

Now meet the Best?: Lady Avenger (1988)

2012-01-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

Category: Action, Drama, Revenge, Exploitation

Written by Keith Kaczorek (TV's "Hey, Arnold" and "Angry Beavers") and Will Schmitz (his sole feature credit). Directed by David DeCoteau (Dr. Alien, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama). USA. 82mins

The new year is fresh and docile as wait for something big to happen. In the interem, however, Jive Turkey Video keeps it comin' with the awesomely titled David Decoteau (director of Creepozoids and Dreamaniac (read the review)) gem, Lady Avenger.

Let's get into it, shall we:
After the radical neon pink credits clear out we're introduced to Maggie, played by Peggy McIntaggart (Beverly Hill Cop II, She-Wolves of the Wasteland, Playboy Playmate of the Month: January 1990), under the pseudonym Peggy Sanders, who is allowed out of reform school, or woman's prison (it's unclear) to attend her brother's funeral. After finding out that her brother was murdered by gangland thugs, a revelation that takes more than enough running time to get to, Maggie evades her jail-appointed matron (who's character is dropped from the plot a quarter of the way in) to get revenge. Coincidentally, when she's off cruising around with her boyfriend, the duo are attacked by a trio of 80s bad boy cliches, who also happen to be involved with Maggie's brother's murder. Each thug is wearing a different rag typical to their archetype: leather, a belly shirt and a sleeveless jacket with no undershirt. Unfortunately for Maggie and her beau, they failed to park in the NO-RAPE zone and as a result end up in a tussle with the 3 scoundrels. The altercation leads to a car chase that, as boring as it is, only comes in second place for the dullest chase of the film. Both cars seen to be going to speed limit, and one of the goons even demands his driver to “be careful!” The scene ends with a surprising and explosive fatal collision that the ternary group somehow escape from, relatively unscathed.

Back cover images leave a little too much to the imagination

The film is really not afraid to take it's time unfolding the plot, and really should be. Scenes are drawn out, shots linger, and the second car chase is incredibly more slow and steady than the first. There are also scenes that make no sense which help to pad out the plot making the film ever more lumbering. For example there's an impromptu strip scene that shows Maggie's friend performing the deed while confessing to have purchased a car. The scene is smash cut in and out with no explanation or follow up.

Why is this scene even in the movie?!

A little less Gun for Hire,
a little more dancer in the dark

The daring dame of the flick, Maggie, is also not what I would choose for a killer heroine. She has the demeanor of a drown rat and when she's decked out in her kickin'-ass threads, seems less like Lady Rambo (as the cover would have you believe) and more like a Bruce Springsteen fan. This film should be a simple, straight-forward action film, but instead conducts a grand conspiracy surrounding Maggie's brother's death, involving the thugs mentioned before, the town yuppies, some harbor hippie, and a party supply store which all leads back to her Stepfather. Don't worry, I did not give away the end of the film as the Stepfather's first scene he's shown sipping a low ball glass of straight water as danger music plays over top. No reason is given to this presentation, but leaves you assuming he's up to no good. Subtlety is not this movies strong point.

If I had to pick out some redeeming qualities it would have to be the bright pink credits, the hilariously forced nudity, and the use of the word “assholism”, heard only once before (at least to my knowledge) in John Waters' Pink Flamingos.

This movie should be undertaken as a group project, with equal parts alcohol ingestion and heckling. For what it is I give it 2.5 out of 5 peach-coloured chinos.

First Annual Jive Five: The Brightest, Boldest and Bullroariest of 2011

2012-01-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

Like this blog: hidden
among the trees

Every magazine, blog, website, etc. seems to be spewing out their top picks of this past year. Inundating the world with their meaningless choices, these chump journalists are all sending out a barrage of what they thinks is the best or worst in everything. Do people really care about what some privileged snob has deemed worthy? Can't people think for themselves?
In response to this, Jive Turkey Video has decided to do NOTHING different. Here are the top five Brightest, Boldest, and Bullroariest of 2011.

Brightest

Movies that are actually good

5. Adventures of Tin Tin
Yes, it's a big budget romp, but it's everything the fourth Indiana Jones film should have been.

4. Last Circus *
Alex de la Iglesia has produced a mixed bag of flicks, but this one stands out as a deranged as all hell tale with a good helping of Edgar Allen Poe style.

3. Paul
Nick Frost and Simon Pegg make entertaining and hilarious movies, you can't fault them for that.

2. Trollhunter*
Although it operates in the tired “found footage” sub-genre of horror, this one brings something different and rises above. It's also Norse. (Review coming soon)

1. Insidious
Finally, a mainstream horror film that is actually really good and really scary.

Behind you! It's Darth Maul!

Boldest

Movies that are so bad they're good or purposely bad and good at it

5. Cowboys & Aliens
Pretty much a reiteration of every alien invasion film you've ever seen, but done in the wild west. Still decently fun. Worth it just to see Harrison Ford slur and grumble all his miserable dialogue.

4. Scream 4
Better than the 3rd, not quite as good as the 2nd . The satire remains, the plot is goofy, it's a sequel and it knows it. You know what you're getting into.

3. Sucker Punch
There are many complaints about director Zack Snyder, but he's good as making visually exciting scenes. It's like a series of big, dumb and violent video game scenes mashed into a film.

2. Drive Angry
Nicholas Cage back from hell and out for revenge. What else needs to be said?

1. Hobo with a Shotgun
Hobo. With. A. Shotgun. Read the review

An instant classic

Now before we continue on to the worst of the year there a couple of categories to go through first.

Biggest Surprise

Red State
Kevin Smith can make a pretty decent cop thriller, who knew? Michael Parks tear it up as a crazy religious zealot is worth the ticket price.

Rev. Cooper says "Watch before ye judge!"

Top Films I wish I saw this year

(that would have probably ended up on this list had I done so)

3. Skin I Live in
2. Meloncholia
1. Drive

From the director of Valhalla Rising comes a really cool looking film

And Now:

Bullroarist

Bad movies that were actually bad.

5. Season of the Witch
Bad and Boring, not even Nick Cage could save this. The last 10 minutes where all hell breaks loose was the only redeeming quality.

4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Is this the one where they sync that Pink Floyd record up to the movie?

3. Green Hornet
Not funny, not good. The Michel Gondry touches were neat, but I could have just watched some Chemical Brothers videos and wasted less time.

2. My Name is Khan*
A horribly sacrine film about an aspergered Indian man goes on a journey to tell the president of the US “My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist”. HOORAY! It panders to every fake sentimental bone in the viewers body, and it's really long and boring.

1. Hallpass
The actors and directors of this film are all relatively capable to make genuinely funny films, which makes this “bro” comedy surprising when it turns out to be nothing more than a sexist romp where every joke fall flat on its face.

One week. No rules. No good.

That's it for another year and who cares?

* Footnote: These are technically 2010 films, bu there would have been no way to see them, save being an elite festival invitee, before 2011

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) Opened

2011-12-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

"Sexy" import VHS cover

Category: Horror, Slasher, Thriller, Christmas

Written by Derek Ford (A Study in Terror, Groupie Girl, What's up Superdoc), Alan Birkinshaw (Killer's Moon, Invaders of Lost Gold) under the pseudonym of Alan McGoohan, he may have also done some or a lot of the directing. Directed by Edmund Purdon (star of film, and his only directorial credit). UK. 86mins

With one more sleep 'till Christmas we come to the final entry in the first Jive Turkey Holiday celebration with a pearl of a film I just couldn't wait another day to watch: Don't Open Till Christmas.

Hitting the screens in the mid 80s, the heyday of the slasher genre, and the beginning of the VHS boom, Don't Open Till Christmas is a sort of Voltron of a film that positions itself in a interesting way. Trying to hit its audience of many fronts, this film is a mix of Cop Thriller, Slasher and Giallo genres, with a British zest that unlike last week's Elves, is better for it.

In short, the film revolved around haggard Inspector Ian Harris (Edmund Purdom, Pieces, Absurd, 2019: After the Fall of New York and in the starring role of my personal biblical fave Herod the Great) who's tasked with the duty of stopping a recent brash of Santa killings.

Purdom circa Don't Open Till Christmas

DOTC has all the majesty of a British crime drama: an old, sick and tired cop archetype (check out Donald Pleasance in Raw Meat a great performance of this type of cop), coppers hanging out in New Scotland Yard deliberatin' and solvin', and of course the gloriously grungy streets of London. There's also a handful of colourful characters and a plot that sets up a serviceable who-dun-it, MacGuffin and Red Herring structure à la Alfred Joseph Hitchcock. That's not to say however that the mystery eclipses the bloodshed, far from it.

Who could it be?

The Slasher and Giallo elements are fully cranked up in this flick. The movie opens with a scene of a older guy in a Santa suit meeting up with a young lady on a darkened street for an implied affair. As the couple walk toward a parked car the camera follows them and that familiar asthmatic breathing kicks in. You realize instantly that the film has just plopped you directly in “Killer-Vision”, the first person horror technique popularized by Jason Vorhees. The breathy POV confronts the tryst and I'm sure you can guess what happens next. Despite the development of the mystery behind the Santa killings, there's quite an emphasis on the killings themselves. Bloody and brutal through and through, the killing sequences are a-plenty and at varying lengths. Some kill scenes are pretty epic, namely one that takes a good chunk of time in the London Dungeon, a historical horror attraction in London, and some are short and sweet, much like the Santa who, out of nowhere, gets speared through the back of the head to the other side. There's one kill scene that turns into a music video as Santa runs into a studio where they are filming one, it's pretty 80s-licious, and thanks to The Cinema Snob, you can experience it.

The deaths themselves aren't the most original, taking a lot out of the Mario Bava handbook, but there's still a good mixture: you've got face burning, stomach stabs, a knife that pops out of a shoe and a castration, to name a few. The Santas themselves are for the most part only introduced to be killed, but are a charming variety of individuals including a rich philanderer, a stage performer, a scumbag jerk, a fat sexual harasser, a peep show perv, a drunk hobo and even a lady porn star.

Oops

Where the film fails is with the supporting characters. With the Inspector being the only interesting or likeable character, the rest of the film is polluted with many other vexing personalities that you wish would dress up as Santa, so they too could bite it. Tied for worst are the protagonist couple made up of Kate (Belinda Mayne, Krull, the fake Italian-made sequel to Alien, Alien 2: On Earth) the daughter of the second Santa victim and her love interest (who in real life I'm sure is interested in gentlemen), Cliff, (Gerry Sunquist, Great Expectations, Boarding School). Cliff, who inexplicably carries a flute around for one scene, and Kate, who has a striking resemblance to Cybil Danning, have zero chemistry. Their lack of love makes things weird when a bizarre love triangle is suggested between the couple and Insp. Harris, but also makes things hilarious when Cliff brings Kate to a some creep's apartment for a porn shoot, and sticks around the bone the model when Kate takes off. Another offensive character is the hammy Giles (Alan Lake, the X-Rated comedy Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair), who poses as a journalist who seems to be up to no good and in actual fact is (*gasp*) up to no good.

Giles and Kate chew the scenery

Without giving too much away, the reason behind the killing has moral reasons related to childhood trauma revealed in a hilarious flashback that has all the ridiculousness could could ask for.

Compared to the other Yuletide films, this final Christmas entry was more or less the cherry on top. Not a perfect venture by a long shot, but not an utterly flawed one either. Derivative, yet stimulating, I give this one three and a half out of five senseless flutes.

Have a good one.

Nazis and Christmas: Elves (1989)

2011-12-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Category: Horror, Christmas, Creature Feature.

Written and Directed by: Jeffrey Mandel. USA. 89min

How can a movie with such a simple and straightforward title be so convoluted?

If Elves had any idea what kind of movie it wanted to be it might be a fun little gem, instead this film goes through more changes than Bowie and the result is a bit of a mess. Although with a bottom of the barrel budget and a maniacal plot, it does manage to drum up some fun, intentional or not.

In typical horror fashion, the film kicks off with a trio of young women up to young women shenanigans. The Sisters of Anti-Christmas, as leading lady Kirsten (Julie Austin, Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice) dubs her gang, crank up the plot by performing a ritual in the name of humbug. They make use of a drawing of “The Virgin of Anti-Christmas” who has art deco boobs that Kirsten designed herself. Unfortunately the gals flub-up their blood oath spilling Kirsten's blood on the forest ground and spawning an evil elf.

This has alot of meaning later on in the plot... kind of

The elf is someone in a rubber Jawa-sized suit that's a step below classic Godzilla quality. Running around, his mouth agape the entire film, the elf monster looks more like the love child of Nosferatu and Golem than an elf. As horrifying as he sound the elf is one of the least scariest characters in the movie, Kirsten's family, a rogues gallery of dysfunctional people, win the creepy contest by a long shot.

Is he laughing? Yelling? Lock-jaw?

Kirsten's younger brother is a foul-mouthed little pervert who spies on her in the shower and when caught proclaims “You got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everyone I saw them”. Of course, he has enough taste to sport Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas, but is still a shitty brat.

"You have big fuckin' tits..."

Kirsten's crazy mother (Deanna Lund, TVs “Land of Giants”, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine) who's barely older than Kirsten seems to hate Kirsten,commits felicide and is (SPOILER ALERT) the sole full frontal nude death in the movie (SPOILER END).

The absolute worst is Kirsten’s grandfather (Borah Silver, who had a bit role in Escape from New York). Wheel-chair bound and emotionally unstable, the grandfather is introduced by slapping Kirsten in face for going out late at night, only to apologize immediately after and whimper about how much he loves her. Grandpa is also a card-carrying Nazi involved in a clandestine operation to create the master race using his daughter and the self.

The most colorful character of the cast is Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty, known for his specialty of playing the role of “Grizzly” Adams in several Made-for-TV Movies and specials), a man who can best be described as a mix between Kenny Rogers and Hulk Hogan. Mike is a down-on-his-luck ex-mall cop who is rehired as the mall Santa after a stint in unemployed squalor. After the elf begins his rampage, McGavin, having previous detective experience, takes it upon himself to solve the mystery behind the killings.

"Sadsack" McGavin, the human sigh

The movie spends a lot of time developing characters and plot, when all you want to see is the “fucking little ninja troll” (as the brother calls the elf) killing people, but since elf looks like a terrible slimy Muppet, maybe less is more. If the elf had more screen time you wouldn't be able to find out about Mike McGavin's shitty life, you wouldn't have the opportunity to listen to the idiotic, sex obsessed (and hilarious) banter of Kirsten and her friends (who really are the female equivalent of douche-bag bros), and you especially wouldn't have a Santa vs. Nazis shootout.

It's true that the video camera used to shoot the film is consumer grade at best, the audio recording is inaudible at times, and the plot structure is unfocused and poorly paced. That's not to say, however, that the movie doesn't have it's good points: There's a fatal crotch stabbing, crazy elf theories (involving Nazis, genetic engineering and training elves to be assassins), and the many other moments as I mentioned above. You also get to witness the Sisters of Anti-Christmas play a quick round of sexy dress-up in a department store after-hours. Unfortunately what was considered sexy over 20 years ago is not necessarily what's considered sexy now.

Who's feeling sexy, ladies

By the end of the movie, a lot of people die and you're left scratching your head wondering what you just saw. Was is a slasher? A conspiracy flick? A crime thriller? Why is it called “Elves” when there's only one elf?

Whatever the movie is, I've seen things I can't un-see, and don't want to. It's Christmas Curio, and a serviceable one at that. It mixes the horrible with the hilarious in a decently appealing way. I give it three foaming mouth Nazi deaths out of five.

Christmas Scarols: Santa's Slay (2005)

2011-12-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Category: Horror-Comedy, Christmas, Slasher

Written and Directed by David Steiman. USA. 78mins

Where does one start with magical tale such as Santa's Slay?

Well, Satan had a kid, whom he called Santa. Santa was an asshole. He caused havoc and general destruction across the land. One fateful day, Santa lost a bet with an angel which forced him to bring joy to the world for 1000 years.

The movie begins when the millennium of joy comes to a close and Santa visits Hell Township as a first stop on his killing spree.

Santa, played by pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg, is less fat and jolly character in this film and more Brutish and Viking-like. He's gigantic and intimidating, complete with a dirty ornate suit and a crown.

What a jerk

I like the morbid take on the Santa mythology, despite the whole Santa and Satan relation being an old joke by now. The idea is good in theory, but when put into practice falls a bit flat. Despite being an intimidating brute, this Santa comes off more like a big clown. He looks pretty ridiculous and coupled with his cheesy one liners is less scary than The Leprechaun from the franchise of the same name. Santa's Slay is obviously supposed to be a horror-comedy, but since the humor is about as funny as Bob Saget on “America's Funniest Home Videos”, it wouldn't hurt to make St. Nick a little more horrific.

The film is definitely is a low budget romp but sports a solid cast of character actors, no doubt thanks to producer Brett Ratner (director of such big budget affairs like X-Men: The Last Stand and the Rush Hour series) for ponying up some dough. Dave Thomas (of “SCTV”), Robert Culp (TV's “I Spy”), Saul Rubinek (from everything), and Tommy 'Tiny' Lister, all appear in supporting and bit parts.

Even James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart (remember her), show up in the opening scene, playing a dysfunctional family who get slaughtered by our Santa Claus. This 5-10 minute scene is the best part of the movie and could have (or maybe should have) been a stand along short film.

Yes, there is a plot, but it really doesn't matter. This movie's sole purpose is to create a serviceable canvas with which to show a big bad Santa Claus killing a bunch of people. Is this a bad thing? No.

This is the first and only film by David Steiman so far and for what it is, it's not bad. You get what you expect. There's no high gore, no deep satire, no real message, only mayhem. Pop this one on at a Christmas party if you and your friends and family need a good chuckle. I give it two and a half flying bison out of five.

Happy Ghoultide!

2011-12-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

It's officially December, and your know what that means: it's CHRISTMAS TIME! and time to appreciate all the Holiday brings, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Of course the good (cheer, good will towards men and women) and the bad (religious segregation, commercialism, greed) have been covered in the past and will be covered this year as well. Jive Turkey Video would like to concentrate on the Ugly of the season. More specifically the ugly movies that have used Christmas as a nucleus to tell possibly the worst stories ever put to celluloid (or video).

I'm sure you're wondering why Jive Turkey is deciding to highlight Christmas after Halloween was almost completely past over. Well, the answer is that it's Halloween every day at Jive Turkey Video, and Halloween is incorruptible. Christmas, on the other hand, is a lot more fun when it's made disturbing or perverted.

To kick off the season, I present clip from one of Jive Turkey's favourite Christmas classics, Santa Claus (1959).

Santa Claus is a K. Gordon Murray Production, and this is a very special thing.

K. Gordon Murray was a film producer from the 50s to the 70s, who purchased the rights to a slew of Mexican children's movies, re-dubbed them and distributed them to theaters everywhere for Saturday Matinees. During the post-war era in America, many parents would drop their kids off at the local theater for day on weekends while they enjoyed their day off. What these parents didn't know was that while they were out enjoying their Saturday, their kids were treated to the most horrifying and nonsensical films to ever see the light of day. Murray's films were mainly based on fairy tales but somewhat skewed. For example, one of these gems featured Red Riding Hood runs a fowl of Universal style monsters and befriends them. If you thought you were traumatized by The Dark Crystal (1982) or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), take a look at a couple K. Gordon Murray kids' films, and realize that you had it easy. (For more info on these films follow this link).

Santa Claus is the one of the most bonked out of the K. Gordon bunch. Ol' Saint Nick lives in a weird high-tech villa, spies on earth with a telescopic eye thing, and even has a room where he keeps children from around the world, who he seems to use as cheap labor (!). In this KGM joingt Christmas is being threatened by Satan (yes, Satan) who has come to earth to tempt people into doing naughty things. Now Santa with the help of Lupita (the child star of the flick) have to thwart Satan and save Christmas.

For a taste, watch this utterly terrifying clip where Satan invades little Lupita's dreams and tries to tempt her to steal with a extremely scary life-sized doll dance.

And this is supposed to be for kids?

All month Jive Turkey Video will be bringing you reviews on the ugliest Christmas movies known to man. Stay tuned for the modern classic Santa's Slay starring wrestler-cum-thespian Goldberg.

Turn me On, Dead Man: Paul McCartney Really is Dead

2011-11-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

Paul McCartney Really is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)

"Faul" pre-surgery

Category: Documentary, Exploitation

Directed by Joel Gilbert (Bob Dylan Revealed). USA. 95Mins

The story behind this “documentary” is such: the office of Highway 61 Productions were sent a strange package that contained two mini cassettes, and a mini cassette player (which makes sense, because who still owns, or ever owned, a mini cassette player). On these two tapes were a lengthy confession by the late George Harrison confessing that Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, and in order to keep the Beatles a money-making machine the MI-5 aided the band in replacing Paul with a look alike.

The documentary is low budget and not endorsed by either of the living Beatles. Unlike a normal documentary you will not find actual interviews with the band members or anybody affiliated with the Beatles. What you will be treated to instead is a mish-mash of stock-footage and animated distortions of still images. The editor must have been taken from an introductory course of After Effects because the visual effects used as basic, lame and repeated. A morphing effect is used over and over again to a supposed picture of Paul's replacement (deemed “Faul” by the super fake George Harrison voice over) being changed into the likeness of McCartney. Another effect the editor learned is an annoying bubble effect is also used ad-nauseam to distort photos, making them look creepy and weird.

Despite it's technical flaws the film is not all bad. The shear volume of “clues”, apparently left by John Lennon, in the songs and album covers to let the fans know of Paul's demise and replacement are breathtaking and detailed. The clues that are revealed by “George Harrison” are so complicated and intricate that you can't help keeping your eyes to the screen to see every little thing, that must have been the result of agonizing analysis of the entire oeuvre of the Beatles. Yes, they are all pretty crackpot, but still impressive.

However, using the testimony of someone dead, someone who can't defend himself in person, is a sleazy move. For that director Joel Gilbert goes beyond conspiracy nut and falls smack dab into creep territory. When all is said and done this movie is essentially just making skeletons dance for a few bucks. It's also not a very good dance either. Paul Really is Dead should be seeked out as strictly a curio for a raining Sunday, and nothing more.

It held my attention, and was made with relative competence, but the I can't ignore it's metaphoric defiling of corpses. Had it been a film about the actual defiling of corpses, it would've fit nicely in the Jive Turkey Video library. Anyway, I give it two coffin nails out of five.

Worst Party Ever: Dreamaniac (1986)

2011-11-15T05:10:00.000-08:00

Category: Horror, Direct-to-Video, 80s

Written by Helen Robinson (her only other credit is for crew on Creepozoids). Directed by David DeCoteau (responsible for a slew of great genre flicks). USA. 82mins

I'm a sucker for any horror film that uses wordplay in the title: puns, turns of phrase, whatever. As I'm sure many like minded people know, this strange neurosis is vile temptress that hurts more that it heals. Luckily, when it came to the romp entitled Dreamaniac, it worked in my favour. Against all odds Dreamaniac is an amusing direct-to-video horror that delivers all the goof and gore that anyone could ask for.

Adam (Thomas Bern), a Heavy Metal lyricist, allows his girlfriend Pat (Ashlyn Gere, credited as Kim McKamy) to throw a party for her sister Jodi (Lauren Peterson), at the place where he is house-sitting, in order to help get Jodi into a sorority. Still following?

The guest list of this party is made up of rich '80s trust-funders who remind me of all the least likable characters from Bret Easton Ellis' Less than Zero. The guest of honour is the top sorority sister, Francis (Lauren Peterson). Not only does Francis have a boy's name and is the worst person alive (example below) but makes it her mission to ruin the relationship between Jodi and her boyfriend Brad (Brad Laughlin), Francis' ex-boyfriend.

Pat: "Excuse me, do I know you?"

Francis: "I doubt it. I've been to private schools all my life and I rich as shit."

And if the soap opera laid out above wasn't enough, Adam has been having dreams involving a seductive siren (Sylvia Summers), who bathes in blood or bites off his penis. Adam has also has been reading up on the occult for lyrical inspiration and the night before the party recites an incantation from an old tome, that somehow kills a cat in his attic (OOPS), and materializes the lady of his dreams, who shows up at the party (DOUPLE OOPS).

Yes it sounds convoluted, it kind of is.

The film for the most part plays out like a chamber drama written by the staff of TV's Degrassi High with equal parts occult and slasher mixed in for good measure. There's “dope” smoking, pot brownies, cocaine, and fickle dudes fucking any female they can find. Of course many of these yahoos get killed in horrible ways.

There is an ample amount of sex, but the curious thing is that it's the guys' lightly oiled bodies that are the focal point of every steamy scene. The film even opens up with Adam walking butt-naked through his house, à la Riggs from Lethal Weapon, toward a pink-lit bathroom. It's not a good or bad thing but let it be known that this film features tight buns and rippling abs.

Added to this, both the boys and girls are equally empty and vapid characters, save Pat, who is a take-no-shit '80s babe who kicks ass from beginning to end, despite being slightly one dimensional and sex crazed at the beginning.

A couple of other stand outs are the music and the jokes. The tunes on the soundtrack of the film are your run-of-the-mill cheap-o-tronic synth creations that flood many of the '70s and '80s genre flick, but in this case characters really draw attention to it. The sounds are straight out of a public domain library but a few times in the film characters will comment on the music, mostly saying how much they like it.

As for the yuks: Dreamaniac delivers some the cheaziest knee-slapping banter ever, like this one:

Party Guest: "Hey, are you a Alpha Kappa?"

Pat: "Are you out of your mind, asshole?"

Party Guest: "Must be a Delta Gamma"

(CLICK)

Most of the actors in this film did not go on to do much more in the movie business. Lauren Peterson went on to play Lizzi Borden (!) in Saturday the 14^th Strikes Again, and Sylvia Summers has been in a few other flicks. Ashlyn Gere (AKA Kim McKamy), on the other hand, has gone on to be a veritable Scream/Nudie Queen, starring in such gems as Creepozoids (also with Linnea Quigley), Evil Laugh (Tagline: Friday the 13^th meets The Big Chill), Dr. Jeckyll and Ms. Hide (as Ms. Hide), and of course Captain Butt's Beach.

Kim McKamy (right) about to kick ass

Director David DeCoteau, however has not fallen into the obscurity of what once was the '80s VHS boom, and has directed more genre fare than you can shake a stick at, including Lady Revenge that will be reviewed in an upcoming Jive Turkey entry.

Unfortunately, Dreamaniac doesn't seem for have ever had an official release on DVD or Blu Ray and it's initial release through Wizard Video on VHS seems to be the only legit release it ever got. This is a shame, because it really is just a straight-up enjoyable bad movie that should be shared with the world. Alternative Cinema or Troma, I'm looking at you. Let's do this.

Let face it, this is not a great film, it's in another galaxy than Citizen Kane, but in the right mind set it is fun as hell, I give it three drilled hands out of five.

Bonus BullRoar #1: The Wizard (1989)

2011-11-10T16:12:00.000-08:00

Did anyone actually buy a Power Glove for the NES?
I remember my family snagged one second hand.
It sucked.
The movie The Wizard, about a motley crew consisting of Wonder Years, Rilo Kiley and a kid with high functioning autism who is also a video game "wiz", had a little something different to say about this fancy Nintendo accessory:

What made this film for me, when I first saw it as a child, was Super Mario Bros. 3. They showed the game being playing in a huge tournament near the end of the movie. At the time the game hadn't been released yet and looked AMAZING, back when the 80s were at a close.
If you have seen this before and enjoyed it, don't watch it again, some things are better remembered fondly.

I remember the Super Scope for the SNES never worked for me either.

Fish Hook Innovation: The Horseman (2008)

2011-11-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

"He Has Some Questions"

The Horseman

Category: Thriller, Revenge, Bad Side of Porn, Ozploitation

Written and Directed by Steven Kastrissios. Australia. 96mins

Bleak and gray, this Australian film takes the age-old story of revenge and turns out something more.

In a similar vein to Hardcore (1979), Princess (2006), and Ma fille, mon ange (2007), Christian, played by rough and realistic looking Peter Marshall (who seems to have been in a series of bit roles before this), descends into the dirty underbelly of amateur porn production to kill off those involved with his daughter's death. Like many flicks in this sub-genre, the violence in the film is graphic and brutal, however Horseman amps up the clumsiness of Christian as an inexperienced killer giving it a more realistic and tense feel.

It's not a long movie, but it does take time to breath between intense scenes, developing Christian's motivations and past. The pace helps make this a richer story and gives the movie, dare I say, a little heart.

What really sets this film above others is the ambiguity of “right” and “wrong” that built throughout: Christian, for example, begins as sort of an avenging angle type, but is slowly painted as a guy who is doing terrible things to people who may not necessarily be fully, if at all, to blame for the corruption and murder of his daughter. Without giving too much away, let me divulge that there is a lot implied about Christian as a father, and a fair share of clever ambiguity.

Don't pass this by as another bloody vengeance tale, take a look, you'll get a lot out of it.

As a footnote: the end credits couldn't be much longer than a minute or two, so sit through the whole thing.

I give it four dragging sledgehammers out of five

Lee Vampire Cleef: Stake Land (2010)

2011-11-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

Category: Horror, Vampire, Post-Apocalyptic

Written by Nick Damici and Jim Mickle. Directed by Jim Mickle. USA. 98mins

It is a rare occurrence when a film with such a mish-mash of influences comes together with little mess to clean up. Stake Land doesn't just deliver a serviceable product, but goes above and beyond, squeezing into the ranks of high class genre-benders like From Dusk 'til Dawn and (dare I say) Army of Darkness.

So what is it? Well lets get into it:

Stake Land takes place in a near future world, where Vampires have invaded and messed up the human race on a major scale.

These Vampires here are not your friendly neighborhood Edwards and Lestats but single-minded yet sentient, vicious Zompires.

After some quick voice-over exposition, the story begins in the gritty aftermath of the human-vampire war. The result: a ruined stalemate with tribes of humans trying to survive amongst a sparse but deadly Vampire infestation.

What really makes this film work is the setting and atmosphere. Earth is not a preposterous primitive future like The Road Warrior, The New Barbarians or 1990: Bronx Warriors but a more realistic modern Wild West. It falls somewhere in-between the TV series The Walking Dead and Deadwood. The director instead of taking a wam-bam approach to the story takes it heavy and steady with more John Hillcoat influence than John Carpenter.

Of course a film like this would be nothing without a badass hero front and center, and Stake Land has one for the ages: Nick Damici. Damici seemingly came out of nowhere and hit the horror world along side director Jim Mickle with the Rat-monster flick Mulberry Street. Co-writer of both Mulberry Street and Stake Land, Damici comes off as a post-Bronson, chewing-glass-cause-he's-just-that-tough, force to be reckoned with. Damici's character, known only as “Mister”, takes young turk Martin (Connor Paolo) under his wing, and teaches him how to survive the Vamp-soaked world, as they search for the fabled Mecca called “New Eden”. Now Mister, isn't some overstuffed muscle head, nor is he a bad motherfucker with a heart of gold, he is simply a dude who knows what he needs to do to survive. He's cold, calculating, and doesn't seem to ever sleep. In all the scenes where his party members are taking rest, he just sitting awake sipping whiskey. Most of the information that we get about Mister is from Martin's voice-over narration, who presents him as a legend come to life.

Despite being somewhat poetic and introspective the narration doesn't get annoying or tedious, but instead gives brief exposition that cuts down on clumsy dialogue scenes. Not that I don't enjoy talking heads, but in a horror film, heavy dialogue is normally not a strong point. The voice over also gives Stake Land a bit of a Shogun Assassin feel. Like the Lone Wolf and Cub stories, we have a quiet and powerful warrior, protecting his kid and cutting people up, while the youngin' gives their perspective on all the violence.

This brings me to one of the best elements of the film and that is that it is very much a Samurai film. Sharing a lotwith Westerns, Samurai cinema is a heavy influence on Stake Land. A caste-less warrior moving from town to town, righting wrong, helping people out, being chivalrous, and an all around badass, has more than a little in common with your Toshiro Mifune and Clint Eastwood characters. When you think about it, the world these characters live in is really not unlike feudal Japan. There is a heavy military power that looms over the land, with little factions spread about.

Of course like any good post-apocalyptic zombie(ish) film, the creatures aren't necessarily the worst threat. For example Stake Land is the host of a wide spread cult looking for answers in religion but the followers seem to be doing little more than lurking about killing and/or raping non-believers.

But who can blame them? Humanity has gone to shit, people need to hold on to something. It's kill or be killed, and people need clear cut answers to things that can't be easily explained.

It's a nice touch in the film that many people and communities still hold on to establishments that society is used to. For example, there are still bars, barber shops, markets, and of course crazy religious zealots. Those that aren't happy kicking around these establishments go out on their own, much like Mister, Martin, and the people they pick up along the way. Although they place their faith in a “New Eden”, you can see in the film how the group members slowly but surely turn into animals, and develop a group mentality as they work toward the good of the pack. There are instances where people are left behind or sacrifice themselves for the group, which is an interesting layer that is not as touched on in other survival films.

Stake Land is a different sort of film that swims in the water of familiarities, but comes out on top, guns blazing.

This for sure gets 4 extracted vampire teeth, out of 5

Warning: A Serbian Film (2010)

2011-06-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

For masochists everywhere, I present to you: A Serbian Film (2010)

Also the face you make while watching the film

Category: Thriller, Shocksploitaiton, Horrible

Written by Aleksandar Radivojevic (writer of a strange-looking fantasy/comedy called Tears for Sale) and Srdjan Spasojevic (this is the only film of his I could find credited). Directed by Srdjan Spasojevic. Serbia. 104Mins

In the same disturb-sploitation camp as Martyrs and Human Centipede, A Serbian Film sells itself on it's subversiveness. The director must have known he could make a buck on making a film that was as inaccessible to a western audience as humanly possible.
It really fills out the checklist of ways to not get distribution or regard from the mainstream.
First off it's non-English.
Check.
Shows explicit sexuality.
Check.
Has gratuitous violence.
Check.
Break almost every dirty, revolting taboo.
Check.
But: Has a well crafted storyline, glossy production, and more than competent technical skills. However, it stops at nothing to ruin every audience member's day.
Let's discuss the plot a bit:
A retired porn star, Milos (played by Srdjan Todorovic), is running low on his cash crop and decides to take a role in the ultimate art film. This experiment is orchestrated by a spoiled brat who gets his jollies out by making only the most extreme porn/art possible.
The film builds and builds, things get more and more disturbing, and you want more and more to boil your memory clean with Windex.
I could have stopped the movie, I should have stopped the movie, but I decided to watch until the bitter end.
Alone.
It was a hot day, but I had to keep the windows shut and the blinds drawn so no one else could witness the festering shame simmering in my gut as I “enjoyed” his film.
It's the worst film ever made, but really well done.

It sets out be what it wants to be, and succeeds.
I feel strange to say it, but this gets 4 penis cuts out of 5

I'm going to take a shower.

If you're still not sure of whether or not to check out this flick, be warned that the director of the Sitges Film Festival, Angel Sala, was hit with child pornography charges after showing this film at the 2010 film festival.
There is no actual child porn in this film, but it goes to show how effective the film is.

One side, Truffaut: Hausu comes to Criterion

2011-06-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

1970s Japanese Horror and bonkersfest Hausu (in english: House),directed by Nobuhiko Ôbayashi, was awarded number 539 of the prestigious Criterion Collection last October.

Sure, it may be old news, but there has not been nearly enough ado about this release.

Hausu is one of the zaniest films ever made in film history, and until last year was only available through gray market means (most notably Cinema de Bizarre).

There is really no way to do this film justice in a description so I will direct your attention to this incredibly whacked-out clip:

Am I right?

I implore you all to go out and rent, buy, or just see this film. There is nothing else like it, and many films of this ilk need a proper release, be it Criterion or not.

CHOMP!

Although this may seem a little off kilter for the “hoity-toity” Criterion label, best know for it's releases of classic foreign cinema, they are also quite accomplished in releases some great genre titles: White Dog, Videodrome, Carnival of Souls, Equinox, Fiend without a Face, Robocop (sadly discontinued), Sisters, The Blob, Andy Warhol's Blood for Dracula and Flesh for Frankenstein and hopefully more to come.

Personally I think John Waters' Multiple Maniacs, Mondo Trasho, and his early short films could use an Eclipse box set.

Back with a Buckshot: Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

2011-05-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

That's right Jive Turkey Video is back after a brief hiatus. Kicking off the triumphant return is a look at Hobo with a Shotgun (2011) and a brand new, sexy attitude.

[Note: “Attitude” may not be sexy or new]

Story by Rob Cotterill, John Davies and Jason Eisener. Written by John Davies. Directed by Jason Eisener. Canada/U.S.A. 86Mins.

Category: Exploitation, Action, Crime

In 2007 the cinematic experience Grindhouse arrived to theatres. Grindhouse, for few who don't know, was Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's love letter to the exploitation films of the 60s, 70s, and 80s that played in the many grindhouse theatres that used to line New York City's Time Square and 42^nd Street. They both made one film that played back-to-back sprinkled with fake film trailers before and between the features. At the top of the presentation in Canada, however was a special treat, the trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun made by Jason Eisener. The trailers attached to Grindhouse were initially made for fun without the intention of making feature length versions. The idea was to recreate the “grindhouse” experience, and to advertise ludicrous grindhouse films that look hilarious in a 2 minute or so snippet, but not necessarily something that could hold up for much longer.

Key shot from original Hobo trailer

But how can someone be teased with a vengeful Mexican thug, Nazi werewolf gals, a gruesome holiday, a ridiculous haunted house, and a hobo on a rampage without foaming at the mouth for a feature version.

But just like the trailer of yore, the films would have a hard time living up to what was promised in the trailer and make a cohesive plot. I remember reading a quote from Eli Roth that stated that he would only make a feature version of his Thanksgiving if he could make it as good as the trailer.

Robert Rodriguez on the other hand, sacked up and succeeded in making a full version of Machete that lived up to the trailer.

The second in line was Jason Eisener's Hobo with a Shotgun, and the result: it turned out BETTER than the trailer.

The original trailer was hilarious, violent, and promised much macabre fun. With clearly a bigger budget supporting him, Eisener took the film beyond just a fun schlocky romp and made it an even more fun and schlockier romp.

The plot is a simple one: a hobo (the one and only Rudger Hauer) who is fed up with the crime around him and takes matters into his own hands... with a shotgun.

Rutger Hauer plays the titular hobo with ample scenery chewage, does it pretty sympathetically, despite being extremely crusty.

Hobo with a heart of gold

The prime element that makes Hobo work so well is the aesthetic and tone that almost flawlessly captures the grittiness of 80s crime films. I'm not talking about the big budget features like Scarface or To Live and Die in L.A., but ones like Exterminator 2, Death Wish 3 and 4, and any other Golan Globus productions distributed by Cannon Video. These films were all ultra violent, exploitative and unforgiving. For example, take Exterminator 2: the story of a guy who goes after criminals with a flamethrower. That's about all there is to the movie, and it is one hell of a flick. All of these fills looked grainy and murky, like there was a layer of grease and dirt on everything in the films.

Love at first sight

Hobo isn't much different.

We have over-the-top brutality and humour in only the most horrible things.

The ultimate Bossis a weasily, sadistic gangster, supported by his two sons. Slick (played by Gregory Smith, of Small Soldiers (1998), and Hocus Pocus(1993)) and Rip (played by a pro martial artist) love doing crimes in their matching sunglasses and members-only jackets. In the true spirit of the 80s the headquarter has its own arcade and underground fighting ring, very similar Shredder’s lair in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

White suit and a part in the middle of your head = bad news

The film very stylistically shot, on low grade film (or at least put through a process that made it look low grade) with basic and overpowering colours. It almost looks like a moving EC comic book. Save for outside day shots, the cinematographer, Karim Hussain, floods shots with singular colours depending on the atmosphere of the scene.

The movie is a pretty faithful recreation of the films of a distinct era, which sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Could we compare this film to those of Guy Maddin?

I'm just asking.

This film goes all out in the violence and gore category. Someone being turned to mulch by repeated shotgun fire, broken bones being used in a shank-like fashion while still attached to the body, and all sort of good time splatter and vile slaughter can be expected.

This may seem disturbing but the film gives so much carnage with so little restrain that you become desensitized early on and it's easy to sit back, laugh and enjoy the parodic lengths this film goes for entertainment. That being said, at the screening I went to, at least four people walked out.

Sure it may seem over-the-top but in my opinion it knows what it is and delivers the goods without too much winking and nudging found in some other post-modern exploitation films.

I give this 4 nubby arm shanks out of 5

Double Can-Con (all across the sky)

Doc Brown or H. G. Wells? A Paradox: Time After Time (1979)

2010-11-21T07:55:00.000-08:00

Who would you Choose?

Story by Steve Hayes (who also wrote the story for Escort West (1958), a western starring Victor Mature). Based on a Novel by Karl Alexander (who seems to be a gaffer and electrician). Written and Directed by Nicholas Meyer (Star Trek films, II, IV and VI). USA. 112mins

Category: Time Travel, Sci-Fi, Drama, Triller, Steam-punk

In honour of the 25^th Anniversary of Back to the Future (1985), I would like to present a time paradox that occurs between the two films Time After Time and Back to the Future Part III (1990).

First let's dip into the unfamiliar, shall we? I assume many people reading this are familiar with BttF3, but probably not so much with TaT. Time After Time is a little gem of a “What If?” scenario much like the Marvel Comics series. In this film author H. G. Wells (played against type, by Malcolm McDowell) actually invents a time machine that works, the only problem is after Jack the Ripper (played by David Warner) reappears after 4 years, he hops in Wells' time machine to escape to the future from police capture. H.G. Wells must take it upon himself to travel into the future to “modern” times (AKA 1979, San Francisco) to stop him.

I personally get a kick out of time travel and steampunk-ish storylines, so I was all in, yet the film is actually quite solid. Herbert Georges' misadventures in the the future do fall slightly on the silly clichéd side but really illustrates how hopeless and sad one would be if they were shot into the future from the 19^th century. Malcolm McDowell also does a good job at playing a clueless but intelligent type, who's both progressive for the 1800s but horribly behind the times in the late '70s. Of course, David Warner plays his typical British Gentleman/Evil Creep routine, and plays it well. You'd probably recognize him as the journalist in The Omen (1976) who looses his head, the Evil Genius in Time Bandits (1979) and the evil Super Computer in Tron (1982).

A stand out moment is the film is the super bugged out sequence that imagines what travelling through time would be like.

Now the rift in time comes from the appearance of Marie Steenburgen, who plays the love interest of Wells in modern times, who is not only super eager to get in his pants but super willing to get involved with this dude she knows little about (can you say “damaged goods”, I'm kidding). Steenburgen also about 10 years later plays the love interest of one Dr. Emmett Brown in Back to the Future Part III, another time travel heavy film.

Which brings up the interesting question: who would Marie Steenburgen pick, if ever her two movie realities crossed?

Well if you think about it H. G. Wells is the younger of the two when they first meet, and has a delightful accent. Yet clearly her “love” for Herbert is only a Romeo and Juliet style infatuation, and wouldn't have lasted very long. Doc Brown, on the other hand, is delightfully quirky, has modern ethics and is quite the gentleman. Not only that but she goes on to have children with the good Doctor, and therefore leaving Doc would be leaving her whole family, especially scruffy old Einstein the Dog.

But I don't believe she necessarily has to choose between the two.

Here's my theory:

If by some strange time continuum were to pass through from movie to movie, I would posit that Marie Steenburgen after a fun filled time journey would realize that she really didn't have much in common with ol' Herbert and after a tiff in the old West, roughly around 1875, H.G. would have returned home to his proper time (which would have had to happen eventually as how else would the museum in San Francisco gotten a hold of his time machine if it hadn't been in static in time a some time is his supposed lifetime) and left poor Steenburgen stranded in the old West, never to return again. For ten long years she establishes herself in the late 19^th century. Of course no one believes that she's been through time and after discovering the literature of Jules Verne and H. G. Wells convinces herself that it never really happened. This repression of memory explains her avoidance of the Doc in the film due to his time related rantings, but also her interest in Science Fiction. Of course they eventually get together and she has to confront her time travel issues and admit to Doc that she had had a tumultuous relationship with a certain Herbert George Wells. Doc then would comfort her and say it's okay, that H. G. Wells would totally be on her “list”, and he actually thinks it's kinda cool. She would ask what her “list” was and he would have to explain that in the Television show, “Friends”, something that's yet to be invented, the idea was popularized of having a list of people that a person would have where if they ever had a change to sleep with one of the elite few on the list, there would be no impact on the relationship they were in at the time. This list, he would continue, would normally consist of attractive celebrities, but in Marie S's case in BttF3's, her list would probably have H. G. tied for number one. Doc would then give her an example, stating that his list would contain someone like Lilian Gish or Joan of Arc. Marie would interrupt stating that Joan of Arc was only a teenager, to which they would both let out a hearty laugh and a high five would be exchanged.

Exeunt

Availability of Time After Time: Globally – Relatively readily available on DVD
Locally – GLEBE VIDEO! On VHS

The entire Back to the Future Trilogy is available at Glebe as well

Mental Health Week: My Son, My Son What Have Ye Done with my White Lightnin'

2010-11-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

That's right it's Mental Health Week here at Jive Turkey Video, and in honour of the occasion I'll be looking at two recent gems My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done (2009) and White Lightnin' (2009).

My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done

Written by Herbert Golder (who seems to be primarily an archival researcher) and Werner Herzog (who needs no introduction). Directed by Werner Herzog. USA/Germany. 91Mins

Category: Thriller, Crime, Hostage, Mental Health

When I saw this film was marketed as the first collaboration between David Lynch and Werner Herzog, I really couldn't contain my excitement. Closely ther

eafter, however, I discovered that Lynch was simply a executive producer, and the marketing ploy was just that. But while watching this strange fragmented hostage negotiation film, I did find that the film itself does possess a lot of the strange sense of humour that runs throughout David Lynch's films. Much like Lynch's trademarks you have strange characters that range from being slightly off to overtly bonkers, and situations that straddle the line between horrifying and hilarious.i

The story initially revolves around a cop Dt. Hank Havenhurst (Willem Dafoe), who is a cross between a friendly fellow and the creepiest creep you'll ever meet,

much like every Dafoe character. The detective is originally called upon to investigate a crime scene where a man, Brad McCullum (the great Michael Shannon), has murdered his mother (Grace Zabriskie). He is soon after called in to take care of a hostage situation involving Brad McCullum in a neighbouring house. As he attempts to negotiate Shannon's character out of the house, he talks with his wife Ingrid, played by Chloe Sevigny, and later with his friend and director of the play Brad was working on, Lee Meyers, played by the unforgettable Udo Kier. Through these interviews Dt. Willem gets the whole story behind Brad's insanity. Brad over the past month or so becomes obsessed with God and a particular old timey gospel song; has the weirdest relationship with his mother, whom he and his wife live with; and becomes ever engrossed in his play, based on a Greek tragedy.

This film is (I hate to say it) quirky, but very engrossing. Herzog does a good job at only giving the viewer enough information to reveal the entire story in fragments. Of course, in true Herzog fashion he creates several situations where actors have to act their hearts out.

Some supporting roles are given to Michael Pena, a character actor who's been in everything from TV's “Homocide: Life on the Street” to Observe and Report (2009), and plays a fellow detective. One of my personal favourites, Brad Dourif, who won my heart with HBO's “Deadwood” but did alot of courting as the voice of Chucky from the Child's Play Franchise, and many other roles, also has a key role. Dourif in this film plays Brad McCullum's hillbilly Uncle Ted, and is in an extended scene where McCullum borrows his sword, which plays a large part in the story.

It seems that Werner is still working out his Klaus Kinski frustrations, there's one scene in particular that shows Udo Kier trying to direct Michael Shannon's character in the play as he is being more that uncooperative in a horrifying/hilarious way.

Half the fun of the film is watching the characters interact with the situations and it's hard to predict what comes next. However, if the mise-en-scene looks a little tattered it's from all the actors chewing the scenery (not my joke).

Availability: Globally - It's a Werner Herzog film, so it should be hard to track down
Locally – Glebe Video, where else

White Lightnin'

Written by Eddie Moretti (director of The Vice Guide to Travel (2006) and Heavy Metal in Bagdad (2007)) and Shane Smith (debut). Directed by Dominic Murphy (directed two TV docs in 1991, “Fear in the Dark” and “Jonathan Ross Presents One Week Only: Alejandro Jodorowsky”). UK. 92Mins.

Category: Hillbilly-sploitation, Biopic, Mental Health

That's right, we're back with some hillbilly madness. You know I can't stay away too long.

Now I always thought that “white lightning” referred to moonshine, so when I sat down to watch this one, I expected some sort of new take of the old moonshinin' and bootleggin' caper à la Thunder and Lightning (1977) or Dixie Dynamite (1976). What I got of instead was a strange biopic of a troubled soul who picks up his life and becomes a successful old timey country dancer only to fall from the top into certain doom. The “white lightning” in this case refers gasoline, which our protagonist, Jesco White (Edward Hogg), gets addicted to at a young age, and is plagued by throughout his life.

This film is very peculiar, it plays out almost like an entire film that is a prologue to another story. What I mean is the image's colour is toned down so much it almost looks black & white. This visual style is normally used in films for flashbacks, but in this case it lasts the entire running time. It also uses a voice over that gives a lot of information on the character's feelings and his mental state that could be easily portrays if the filmmaker were to take the time. The events of the film seem to move by very quickly as well, as if the director is trying to impart a lot of information in a short time so he can move on to the body of the film, but the pace is sustained throughout. I kept wondering through the film when the story proper would begin. It really seems as if the film was trying to quickly build up to something that never really pays off.

This film also must have been edited by an After Effects wiz. Apart from the low color, many other interested looking effects are applied to the film making it a pretty entertaining watch. Although it does sport a very music video-like aesthetic, it's entertaining and doesn't get muddied up like Tony Scott's Domino (2005).

The filmaking style does relate to the mental state of Jesco White as he runs the gamut of abuse both physical and drug, jail, mental institution, and murder, not to mention a creepy christian zealotry that runs through the film.

As a bonus for nerds, Carrie Fisher has a heavy supporting role as Jesco's lover.

Basically this film is the life story of a dude that can't catch a break from his over encompassing mental instability, presented in an amphetamine induced haze. It won't bore you, but it also won't give you time to breath. The film would probably be a lot more effective if it gave you time to stew in the psyche of the character, much like the film Bronson (2008) makes you squirm in a jail cell with the titular character.

Availability: Unfortunately does not seen to have any official US theatrical or Video distribution.

The Other Trick or Treat Movie

2010-10-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

Amazing album cover, the contents however....

If video stores still stocked VHS movies from the 80s (which Glebe Video does... just saying), you would have a lot less of a problem tracking down Trick or Treat (1986). This little gem is a great Halloween themed cult film that makes hair metal out to be something a lot more satanic and powerful that it actually was. It also features Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne, can't get more metal than that... right?

Here's a full-on Metal scene from the film (spoiler alert-ish)

Of course the music was done by the classic metal band Fastway (?). Of course, what kind of person would I be if I didn't own the album on vinyl (I do, really).

As an added bonus here's a new borderline Neutral Milky Halloween song by The Candidates U.K. called Challoween

Handsoap, Bicycles, Geniuses and Meat related ultimatums: Ottawa International Animation Festival 2010

2010-10-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

So, I interned at The Ottawa International Animation Festival, and had a heck of a time.
Here are some quick and Jive Turkey worthy highlights, in the form of a video post.

Atsushi Wada and Kei Oyama have made some of the strangest, most confusing, shorts I've ever seen, yet they also had a lot of beauty, dare I say. Here's one called Day of Nose (2005):

Osamu Tezuka (1928-1989), is often called the Godfather of Anime. He created Astro Boy and many other awesome Japanese animes and mangas. He has a whack of shorts that are absolutely brilliant. This one's the crowd-pleaser, Broken Down Film (1985):

The graphic novel Kenk based on Igor Kenk a bicycle eccentric who resides in Toronto is being made into a film. The four that created the graphic novel, Richard Poplak, Nick Marinkovich, Alex Jansen, and Jason Gilmore are collaborating with animator Craig Smalls to make one of the coolest looking films. Check out a preview

I know this post has been very Japan-centric, but Meat or Die!, it speaks for itself:

Watch them all at meatordie.com

There were many more things I missed, and probably would have been more than noteworthy, but life's life, I guess.

Fantasy Fiascery: Conquest (1983)

2010-10-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Lucio Fulci, is famous for super gory Italian horror. I'm sure many a horror dork has seen Zombie (AKA Zombi 2), that, amoung many things, is famous for featuring a zombie fighting a shark. However, Fulci didn't just make horror, he also did some brief ventures in other genres, including spaghetti western and sci-fi. Of these forays into fellow exploitative genres, his Fantasy outing, Conquest, stands above the lot.
This isn't a review of Conquest but rather a suggestion that you go out and pick up a copy of this brilliant sword & sorcerer tale.
Why?
Because it's utterly crazy. The trailer does a good job at showing how convoluted and ridiculous this film is. What's brilliant about this film, is that it falls under the true test of "so bad it's good": It is poorly made, cheesily done, yet so completely entertaining.

It's so fun you could watch it alone and still have a heck of an ol' time

For those about to Rock and Rule (1983)

2010-10-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

The Picture says it All

Written by Patrick Loubert, Peter Sauder, Peter Sauder, John Halfpenny, Anna Bourque, Greg Duffell, Larry Mollin, Deanne Stillmans, David Young (oh boy!). Directed by Clive A. Smith (most notably the TV Specials Devil and Daniel Mouse and Intergalactic Thanksgiving)

Catergory: Animation, Sci-Fi, Musical

Rock and Rule exists in a psychic space similar to that of ABBA. You know it's uncool, but you recognize how great the songwriting is and how catchy the songs are and you can't help but secretly think it/they are awesome.
Rock and Rule is cheesy, over-the-top, and a little lame, but undeniably brilliant.
Allow me to set the stage: in a post-apocalyptic world, dogs, cats and rats have formed into anthropomorphic mutant beings after 1983 brought about World War 3. The world seems to exist in a world not unlike that of the video game Brutal Legend crossed with a kid-friendly Heavy Metal. Economy seems to be based around music production, and beings called “Super Rockers” seem to have strange Darth Vader-ish control over the world.
A particular “Super Rocker”, Mok, is the centrepiece of the story. Mok looks like a cross between Iggy Pop, circa The Idiot album and an even creepier (if that's possible) Gene Simmons. Outrageous doesn't even begin to describe Mok, but picture the kind of villain that boast to himself about being “devilishly EVIL”, as he stands on a heightened platform that's only architectural purpose seems to be to look out from and deliver soliloquies or laugh maniacally. Mok's raison d'etre is to summon a demon to.... well it's not super clear but it's essentially to somehow rule the world, etc. However to summon this demon he must find the right frequency of sound that can only come from a particular singing voice. This voice is found in co-vocalist of a Nuke York rock band, Angel. After kidnapping Angel, testing her out and finding that she indeed has the voice needed to summon the demon, Mok's enquires if the demon can be stopped, only to find out through his trusty computer that “no one” can stop it.
Will the demon be summoned and destroy the world? Will Angel's band come to the rescue? Will they emerge victorious through the POWER OF ROCK!? You'll have to see it to find out.
The film is animated and the visuals are in the Sci-Fi psychedelic vein, so take your drugs beforehand.
The topper to this buffet of greatness is that the film is a musical (stay with me), with songs written by Cheap Trick, Debby Harry, Iggy Pop, and Lou Reed. The power-pop/space rock music is undeniably catchy and goes great with the fantastical visuals to make a great trippy experience.
The film is also a little close to my heart as it is produced by Nelvana. Nelvana is a Canadian Production Company/Studio that produces animated features and television shows. They produced many classic children's shows such as Droids, Ewoks, My Pet Monster, Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, Inspector Gadget, Care Bears specials and films. I could go on, but instead will just say that they were responsible for some of the best and most important cartoons for any child of the '80s.
Also listen for the voice talents of Catherine O'Hara and Maurice LaMarche (the voice of Egon from The Real Ghostbusters, The Brain from Pinky and The Brain, and many others).
In conclusion let me just say that Rock and Rule is the closest thing you will get to a Disney film made by Tenacious D.

Availability: Double disc DVD is available for alot of money, but a Blu-Ray will be released on October 26th 2010

Like an Acid Trip Described by Someone Who's Never Had One: Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun (2005)

2010-09-29T11:03:00.000-07:00

One of the more generic and misleading covers out there

Written by Vin Crease (his only feature to date). Story by Vin Crease and Jonathan A. Stein (has produced and been the crew on a number of productions). Directed by Vin Crease. USA. 82Mins.

Catergory: Horror, Exploitaiton, 70s Throwback, Occult

I hate to start off with a cheesy statement but Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun is to early 1970s exploitation films, what Spinal Tap is to Rock-Docs. It takes all the elements of said genre, combines them and turns them almost cartoonish, all the while playing it with a straight face. Either the filmmakers know that the film is ridiculous, are relatively clever and educated on these kinds of films, or they have the subtlety and ham-fistedness of a 50s scare film.
First of all the film sports one of those ludicrous titles that are so common in the exploitation world. The title is a string of words that although sound really cool don't make any logical sense, i.e. The House that Dripped Blood (for fun check out the Mountain Goats song of the same name), Twitch of the Death Nerve, etc. Much like these films Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun also has little to do with a Slaughterhouse or the imagery that the title evokes, either as a comment on the genre or, much like the grindhouse films, is looking to draws people like me in.
Again like a 50s scare film, Slaughterhouse jumps on ever hot topic of the late '60s, early '70s, including hippies, Satanism, counter-culture and so-on, and portrays it without accuracy or nuance, it just aims for the gut.
Not much else can be said for this goofy little film. It's interesting but unfortunately forgettable. What does stand out is that at the beginning of the film titles come up informing the viewer that the film was originally made in the 1970s but was unreleased as the director of the film (who also plays a supporting role) went crazy and murdered the producer. It's quite apparent that the film is contemporary, especially since the film looks like it was shot on HD video. What's more, is that according to Monsters at Play, Vin Crease isn't even a real person, rather an invention by a man named D.C. Man, which is the second name listed for Crease on IMDB. Although the film isn't as convincing as semi-hoaxes like Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Fargo, or even Blair Witch Project it still adds a little fun... but this fun does not a great movie make.

Availability: Widely available online and at major video stores, also comes in a 2-pack with Trick or Treat (not to be confused with Trick 'r Treat (2007)), a great cheesy Heavy Metal Horror flick featuring Gene Simmons and Ozzy.
How I Got it: A small secondhand shop in Shawville, Quebec.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

2010-09-25T05:47:00.001-07:00

100% Medically Accurate. Fact.

Written and Directed by Tom Six (Gay in Amsterdam, Honeyz). Netherlands. 92mins

Category: Horror, Shock-sploitation

A vile, festering lump of a film, with some of the most ludicrous and horrifying humour you'll ever see.
If you haven't already heard of the film, the plot is pretty simple: a crazed man makes a “human centipede” by connecting three people together, anus to mouth. (CONTAINS POSSIBLY MILD SPOILERS) Of course the film doesn't simply present this idea, it explains the procedure in detail, through slide-show presented by the the wack-job doctor and shows the operation to a certain extent. It also allows the viewer to spend an extended amount of time with the human centipede, as the zany doctor attempts to train it to be a proper human centipede. (SPOILER END)
For the good of the film experience I will cut the description short, but let me assure the reader that it does not skimp on the horrific, downright horrible gruel that you expect from a film like this.

Artistic Merit: Well let's say off the bat, that this is a competently made film, although the plot does veer toward the cooky and hilarious, this helps one sit through what is otherwise a bleak film. There is the chance that all the humour is intentional, which would make the film one of the darkest comedies around. Personally I think the film could have within it a vicious socio-political message. Like its disgusting contemporary Feed, which was a comment on the western world's obsession with the over consumption of all things, mostly food, perhaps the writer/director Tom Six has a bone to pick with society. But what exactly is he saying?

Killer Kaliber: One of the most hilariously intense psychos ever. Dr. Heiter, played by Dieter Laser (a great name) supplies most of the laughter in the film, as his character is unrelentingly ruthless in creating his centipede. He's like a cocaine fiend version of Udo Kier. Like Werner Herzog in Julien Donkey Boy, he is just so humorously horrible.

Viol-o-gore-o-meter: It's relatively high, and gratuitous, yet where the nitty-gritty of the titular operation is concerned is exercises certain restraint.

Availability: Currently in select theatres. DVD to be released in U.S. October 5^th, 2010

Bottom Line: This film is really only for those of us who seek out films like Cannibal Holocaust, August Underground (something I have not made myself sit through, yet), and Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, just because we are horrible people. Let me warn you, however, that this film once watched cannot be unseen, and will linger in your mind, for better or for worse.

Fun Stuff:

Play the Human Centipede the Game

The Human Centipede (First Parody)

Sunday (after Sunday) Special: Inside the Church of Satan (2010)

2010-09-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

A misleading, but awesome image from the website

Written and Directed by Joshua P. Warren (who also made the hilarious sounding Inbred Rednecks). USA.

Based on the sensational website and the director's other credentials in the world of the paranormal, I expected that Inside the Church of Satan was going to be some documentary claiming all sorts of crazy, supernatural goings on in the aforementioned church. However, I was pleasantly surprised when the film turned out to be a sober look at the religion with the fair intentions of getting a realistic and down to earth views on the Church of Satan.
It also happened to be a good film and a solid documentary. Who would have thought?

The following are a few points that make the above statement so:

First, the director reveals himself and his biases:

Although Mr. Warren does use the deep commanding voice over that is classic to documentaries, he spends plenty of time in front of the camera, showing himself to the viewer. Near the beginning of the film Joshua P. Warren introduces himself, his life and his career, etc. You learn right away who is calling the shots as to what is shown, and get a sense of his general perspective. Even if you are one who takes in all the information that they are given without question, the director himself directly states his biases and feelings toward the Church of Satan. He even says that the documentary itself is only a starting point for information on the religion and that to get a better view one needs to do their own research.

The director allows the subjects to speak for themselves:

Although Warren does narrate a lot of information about the Church of Satan through voice over, it is only the information found on the website, The Satanic Bible, and The Satanic Scriptures. The information from the interviewees come directly out of their mouths. Warren gives adequate time to each subject to answer questions given, and if any of them look sinister or ridiculous it's their own doing (and some do look a little silly). The high priest of the Church of Satan, Magus Peter H. Gilmore, is given an extended amount of time to answer his questions and explain his view of Satanism and the Church of Satan.

It's funny:

What's great about the film is that it has a sense of humour. The documentary does not set out to brow beat the audience and be a sombre representation of the Church. Instead the documentary makes fun of itself, has fun with the subject, and even shows the subjects having fun, be it partying after a ritual or making light of their religion.

I realize I'm being vague about the information given in the film, but it's better appreciated if you find out first hand, through the film.

Overall, the film takes a position of debunking the myths of Satanism, and showing the members of the Church as not crazy baby killers, but generally likeable people. They appear more like LARPers, than evildoers. One of the possible drawbacks of the film is that it's lack budget shows, it's not an overly professional venture, but at the same time is still an enjoyable and effective film. If you're interested in the subject, or even if your not, it's worth checking out to get a general view of the Church of Satan, and to support an independent filmmaker.

I can't say I've been convinced that Satanism is the religion for me, especially since you “get” to pay $200 to become a member, and get a card stating so, but I can't deny that it looks kind of fun.

Availability: Order online on Joshua P. Warren's website for the film. As I mentioned the website is rather sensational, but sensationalism sells. You can get it on 2 Disc DVD, online video, or in a deal with another Warren's doc, Dark 30 Tour. (I went with the latter)
Although I like the film, the DVDs themselves come in small black envelopes, with a printed sticker DVD label on the disc. If would have been nice to have a proper DVD case, with a cool cover but I'd prefer this film with limited packaging over a great looking package and a bad film.

Bloodrage (1979)

2010-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Picture of actual VHS sleeve

Written by Robert Jahn (who also wrote The Immortal Three for the Queen of Exploitation, Doris Wishman). Directed by Joseph Zito ( classic slasher The Prowler, Chuck Norris vehicle Invasion U.S.A., Dolph Lundgren vehicle Red Scorpion, and not-so-classic slasher Friday the 13th : The Final Chapter). USA. 78Mins
Category: Horror, Slasher, Mass Murderer/Serial Killer, Gritty Crime

Finally, a good old fashioned exploitation film to add to the shelves of the Jive Turkey Video Store. First of all it features a great and very inappropriate title: Bloodrage. I knew that this film would not live up to it's amazing name, but it was still irresistible, and actually worth watching.
The movie opens on a small town prostitute who, after plenty of exposition that includes establishing her relationship with the dorkiest tough cop boyfriend, seduces a young man who has been regularly creeping about her house as she takes men in. Freaked out by her aggressive sexual advances, he kills her (seems reasonable), cleans up the crime scene and boots it to New York City.
Dinky Harry returns after the ordeal to find his girlfriend missing, tells his police chief to shove it and heads off, hot on her trail.
After the first murder the movie shifts into inner monologue mode and we get the thoughts of both the cop and the murderer. The film focuses on the young killer as he inhabits New York, and in a Taxi Driver-like nature slowly gets worn down by the trashy street life and, as his voice over tells us, he begins to snap. Does he take out his rage on the criminals or drug dealers that are the ones who seem to be irking him? No, he just kills women who want to have sex with him and take the aggressor role. Seems reasonable.

Artistic Merit: The film has an effective grit to it. Most of the “actors” don't seem to have any actual training but that lends itself to Bloodrage's Taxi Driver-like. It's a quaint film with a non professional aesthetic that gives it a sort of realism that comes from it's use of cheap, grimy, run-down locales and cheap, grimy, run-down locales people. It that sense it seemed to have a lot in common with Basket Case. However, Basket Case, pays homage to the films that were shown in the 1970s grindhouses of 42 Street, whereas Bloodrage appears to be one of those films.

Killer Kaliber: The murderer in this film is a real interesting and super creepy one. Especially at the beginning our guy comes off more like a slow-witted man-child than a sadistic killer. He has a youthful face and plays the role more like an innocent choir boy than a greasy creeper. He also sports such a victim complex, as if all these murders are happening to him, that I almost felt bad for him. Essentially, he's a contradiction, but it adds to him being very unsettling.

Viol-o-gore-o-meter: It was made in the '70s, so you're getting some seriously bright red blood gushing.

Availability: There is a DVD version available, but no reputable source seems to carry it. You can find either DVD or VHS copies floating around the world wide internet.
How I Got It: A VHS copy for $1 at a second hand shop in Shawville, Quebec.

Bottom Line: Like every film that attempts to give a portrait of a serial killer or madman, etc, it does meander a bit. However, if you don't mind the meandering it's actually an enjoyable film that delivers all the grit and grime of a New York based exploitation film. Included is a side of unintentional laughs, which regularly come with these sort of films. The end, without giving anything away, goes by the Roger Corman rule of ending a film at it's logical ending point. Meandering is cut short where the denouement is concerned, Bloodrage simply climaxes and closes. Gosh bless the 1970s.

Peeping Tom lives on: Carver (2008)

2010-08-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

Essentially your average Film student

Written and Directed by Frank Guerrero Jr. (cinematographer of the upcoming ). USA. 97mins

Category: Horror, Slasher, Snuff Films Apart from this film's balls out gore (which depending on the person, is enough of a reason to see the film), wouldn't have stood out from other indie slashers, if it wasn't for the inclusion of 8mm Snuff films and psychological debate.

Much like many of the films you've seen, Carverbegins with a collection of yahoos on a camping trip. The camping site is, of course, far off the beaten path. The only "civilization" is a creepy diner, run by a creepy yokel and his slow brother. It should be no spoiler to say that these oddball restaurant employees are crazed homicidal maniacs.

Where the film gets interesting is when the gang of campers, now joined by a slightly mysterious lady camper, go on a walkabout and find an old abandoned (or so they think) shack. Inside they find a collection of 8mm films and a working projector, and decide to watch away. [Being a collector of small gauge film (8mm, 16mm), my interest is always piqued when a film features the discovery and projector of such films.] What's more is that the films projected appear to be independent slasher films. Such a score in real life would be a dream come true to a weirdo like myself. Of course the meta joke of the scene is that the viewer is in a way watching an independent horror discovery, not far from the films being enjoyed by the characters in the film.
As one might expect in these films, a female character walks out during the screening of these films, only to be comforted by a fellow camper outside the shack. They begin discussing the psychology behind horror films. To the male campers surprise she enjoys horror films and explains how it's a way of getting in touch with the darker side of humanity and how the thrill of the films have a positive cathartic effect. Many horrors fan love to hear why they are not sick weirdos for inexplicably loving these sadistic desecrations to celluloid, and although the approach in the film is heavy handed it should be applauded for it's decision to tackle the subject.

The psychological discussion is quickly interrupted before it reaches the extent of the writer's knowledge retained from his degree when the two scholars are informed that these films look a little too realistic to be your average indie flick. If the viewer hasn't already figured out that these films are documentations of real murders, "Snuff films", then the helpful characters lead the slow witted along. The appearance of “Snuff films” is always an interesting element in films as it has such a storied history in film and especially the horror genre. Films like Snuff, Cannibal Holocaust and The Faces of Death are all notorious for rumors of presenting real murder and violence, and in the latter two, appear to have legitimate killing and death. The existence of “Snuff films”, being in definition, films of actual killing made for entertainment, is an interesting topic for crime enthusiasts and one that appears in a lot of films, TV, Newspapers and other media. Carver, however, does not include any real murder footage, nor does is purport to, but in addressing the Snuff film and acknowledging the psychological view of horror films it does spread a layer of analysis on the film. Coupled with the film's high gore, it almost forces the viewer to question their enjoyment of the film. Is it cathartic? Are they exploring their human dark side? Or are they just as twisted as the killers of the film?
Let the psychoanalytic carnage begin.

The film would be a below average slasher, if it wasn't for the high gore content, that makes the film experience more visceral, thrilling and a some part funny. The “Snuff Films” also are an interesting way for the victims to discover the threat of the killers, instead of the tired technique of killing off the weakest links and leaving the rest wondering. It's a lower body count (for better or for worse) with better suspense and dread.

Availability: Wide. Should be moderately easy to locate through internet or major media stores, through Allumination Filmworks

Sensei and Sensibility: Heroes of the East (1979)

2010-08-05T10:01:00.001-07:00

(Insert bad joke related to taking out garbage)

AKA Zhong hua zhang fu, Shaolin Challenges Ninja

Written by Ni Kuang (who's written many amazing Shaw Brothers films including the classics The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin, and Eight Diagram Pole Fighter). Directed by Lau Kar Leung (AKA Liu Chia-Liang, director of some of the best martial arts films, such as Legendary Weapons of China, My Young Auntie, not the above mentioned Ni Kuang penned films). Hong Kong. 100Mins

Category: Martial Arts, Screwball Comedy

As the cheesy and borderline racist title of this entry suggests, what we have on our hands with Heroes of the East is a sort of Romantic Comedy heavily soaked in the martial arts genre. Gordon Liu (AKA Lau Ka Fai and Liu Chia Hui), with a head full of hair, instead of his iconic baldness, plays a Ho Tao, a member of some sort of nobility, who is locked into an arranged marriage with Yumiko Koda, played by Yuka Mizuno, a Japanese lady, also of some nobility. Despite him falling for her on sight things get a little rocky when she insists on practising Japanese martial arts. Their relationship would have gone just fine if Ho didn't feel it necessary to disrespect her style, and order her to stop practising and take up female Kung-Fu, something he deems much more lady-like. Of course since Ho insists on baiting her, she retaliates with ends up with them constantly combating. What follows is a very entertaining series of contests and bouts, involving stances, different weapons, even eating habits, all particular to each of their home countries. Much like your average Screwball Comedy a la Shop around the Corner, or It Happened One Night, these two lovebirds bicker and bicker, but also kick each others' ass at the same time.

This Marital Arts film, however takes a turn at the half point, when Ho sends a challenging letter to his wife, that ends up in the hands of the some of the top Japanese Martial Artists. These champs decide to make Ho put his money where his mouth is and prove his claimed superiority.

Although the film begins as a unique Romantic Martial Arts Comedy, the film in essence is just a relatively loose plot with plenty of excuses throughout to insert Martial Arts action scenes. However, this is not a bad thing in the least. Lau Kar Leung, for those who don't know, is one of the greatest directors of Martial Arts films. All the action sequences are fantastically filmed. They are fast and visceral, displaying well the Martial Arts at the same time. Of course these athletes are incredible or at least appear to be, with jaw dropping moves (sorry about the corny term).

Heroes of the East becomes simply an entertaining display of two cultures' martial arts. And if you're into that, why complain?

Unfortunately there is some troublesome ideas presented throughout, mainly in a sort of ethno-superior, and sexist way. However, like the similar problems of Classical Hollywood, it good to identify them, but also realize that they are symptoms of the time.

In conclusion: Set aside your Ong-Baks, this is classic martial arts awesomeness, and although it may not be better than something like The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, or Eight Diagram Pole Fighter (both starring Gordon Liu, by the way) it still is a high ranking and quite unique entry in the genre. It's also another example of the three sectioned staff being the most effective weapon ever, something that seems to come a lot in Kung-Fu films.

Availability: Widely available through the Weinsteins and Bey Logan's Dragon Dynasty label. What's great about this and other films of the label is that the DVDs come with the film remastered, as well as a Mandarin, Cantonese, and English language track, with subtitles.

The Foot Fist Way (2006), A Love Song

2010-07-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

A slave to the night

Written by Ben Best (Eastbound and Down), Jody Hill(Eastbound and Down, Observe and Report), and Danny McBride (Eastbound and Down). Directed by Jody Hill. USA. 85mins

Category: Comedy, Martial Arts

There are many reasons why I figured The Foot Fist Way fit well into the rest of the films reviewed on this site.
The first reason is that this film is actually kind of scary. Basically you have this guy Fred Simmons (Danny McBride) who owns a Taekwondo dojo. Not only is he a horrible person but he essentially abuses children students, mentally, emotionally and physically. When he becomes interested in a female student (not a child) he comes off like a sexual predator. When Fred's relationship goes awry and he begins to become unhinged, the film takes a turn for a time that makes you think it's going to go the way of the person downward spiral sub-genre like Falling Down, Taxi Driver, and Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.
Another reason is that this film takes on many elements that are common in the illustrious Cannon Films releasse. Canon Films were the distribution label that released violent B-Grade action gems in the 80s and 90s such as The Delta Force Series, Death Wish (2, 3, 4), Exterminator 2, and the all-time classic, Ninja III: Domination. Like Cannon Films, Foot Fist Way employs the use of ridiculous martial arts, a hair metal styled soundtrack, and a seedy cinematography that makes everything look as if it's covered in a layer of filth. There's even a sequence where Fred, frustrated, drives through the city at night to rockin' jam. Included in the scene is also your quintessential getting out of the car and staring out at the distance, doing whatever people like Michael Dudikoff do. Even though the filmmakers are making fun of Cannon-styled films, they emulate them in such an authentic way that reveals that they are also big fans of these films.
Apart for the filmmakers Cannon love, fanaticism further rears it's ugly head through. Fred, of course, is fully obsessed with martial arts, and his best friend Mike (Jody Hill) is an uber Taekwondo devotee is legitimately creepy, one-upping Fred in obsession by both looking and acting like a character in Tekken series of video games. Of course the film dives head first into the world of martial arts showing it's ridiculousness, but also making it relate-able, as everyone has something they are a little too into, I know I have many. There's even a Chuck Norris type character, Chuck "The Truck" Wallace (played by Ben Best) who adds to the portrait of fanaticism and idol worship in the most hilarious way. However, there's not just obsession with martial arts but three key martial arts actions moments- Right on!
As you saw above, the people behind this film are the same behind the TV series/mini-series "Eastbound and Down". It makes sense, in comedic style and theme both are very similar. In a way Foot Fist Way is Mad Max to "Eastbound and Down"'s Road Warrior. "Eastbound and Down" is more polished, adventurous, and with a grander scope, but Foot Fist Way is more raw and packs more of a punch.
So there you have it, Foot Fist Way is a terrifyingly comedic portrait of a man of the verge of a breakdown, at the same time being a love letter to Cannon Films, which I feel gives it a place in the Jive Turkey Video Store. If that doesn't do it for you though, how about the fact that Foot Fist Way is one of the more funny films in the past few years. It's a little dark, but this adds to the humor. It also has the best break-up moment in film history.

Availability: Relatively widely available

Next Stop, Pretension Town: Incident at Loch Ness (2004)

2010-07-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

...Herzog points...

Written by Werner Herzog and Zak Penn (writer of all your least favorite films, including X-Men: The Last Stand, Behind Enemy Lines, Elektra). Directed by Zak Penn. UK. 94Mins

Category: Documentary, Paranormal, Comedy

Compared to Extraterrestrial and Big Foot there have been very little feature films dealing with the Loch Ness Monster (apart from Water Horse: Legends of the Deep and Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster). The Big Foot legend has been graced with such luminaries as Legend of Boggy Creek (1 and 2), Abominable, Shriek of the Mutilated, among the vast amount of gems that bring popularity to ol' Sasquatch. As for Extraterrestrials, well, you can't visit a video store without tripping over a couple of alien based titles. Nessie, on the other hand, has never gotten as fare a shake as other paranormalities, yet has stayed firmly implanted in pop culture and folklore. That's where Werner Herzog comes in.
This film begins as a documentary about Werner Herzog and his new film, a documentary itself, called “The Enigma of the Loch Ness”. In typical Herzog fashion, he is not documenting the monster itself but rather the human view of such a creature and the societal need to create a mythical monster to believe in.
The film begins with examining the myth behind Herzog as a filmmaker. Suspicions, hoaxes and revelations related to Herzog are examined, such as his notoriety for dangerous film shoots, and pointing a gun at Klaus Kinski forcing him to act. These rumors and what-not introduce similar happenings that are shown in the film. These hoaxes, suspicions, etc involve the Loch Ness Monster, the film being made in the film, the film itself and even the film medium, focusing on the enigma of Hollywood. Concerning the monster, the film shows different views of Nessie through different characters opinions of it. The film within the film is constantly being jeopardized in some way by the producer attempting to pull a hoax so it appears as if the Loch Ness monster exists in their film. And in an ultimate technique to be Meta, the film draws attention to itself as a film, how it is an imaginary product, but is also something that people get caught up with and can even confuse with reality. Herzog and Penn's technique to reveal the "hoax" of film is mostly through it's use of cliches and humor.
The film relies on subtle humor akin to that of other “mockumentaries” like those of Christopher Guest and Ricky Gervais. Of course this humor is slightly toned down and skewed to fit Herzog and Penn’s purpose. In the subtlest of brief examples, the film kicks off with a sort of dinner party at Herzog's home where the producer meets to talk about the movie, and Herzog's Hollywood friends come over. As one would hope Herzog's friends are a sort of motley crew of celebrity eccentrics: Jeff Goldblum, Ricky J and in a final joke, Crispin Glover. Of course these aren't a group of extremely outlandish folks but people are just the right mix of eccentric and normal to be credibly friends with Herzog. Who did you expect? Anton Lavay, Timothy Leary, and GG Allin? First of all, all those men passed away in the '90s. And I did mention it was going for subtlety.
Incident at the Loch Ness operates as a clever tongue-in-cheek, wink, nod, nudge, snicker-fest, but also as a flick that is funny, and manages to trick you into getting you excited and caught up in it, so as to provides your desired escapist joy ride.
It actually gets scary in parts.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

2010-07-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Party's over, man"... Not by a long shot

Story by Randy Pearlstein (primarily an actor) and Ti West. Screenplay by Joshua Malkin (director of Dust, - tag-line: a story about an ordinary farm pig and an extraordinary occurrence). Director Ti West (Trigger Man, The House of the Devil). USA. 86mins

Category: Horror, Virus, Sequel

Now in the sequel, the virus is carried through water bottled from the same reservoir thAs seen at the end of the first Cabin Fever, the vile flesh-eating virus continues to spread.at the disease-ridden fellow from the original film died in. The locale in this case shifts to a high school and residential area supposedly close to the woods of the first film. The Haddonfield styled neighbourhood, however seems a little too middle America to be so close to the backwoods, but one's disbelief is not uneasily suspended too far to allow the plot to continue.
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever begins a lot like American Pie does, with high school bull-stuff, anxiety over the prom and the “nerdy” character pining over some girl. “Nerdy” of course is in quotes, as our protagonist looks more like the nerdiest Calvin Klein model, but it's a movie, so we can allow these people to be considered nerds. His friend on the other hand looks like the child of the bassist of the band Fall-Out Boy and Lou Costello, so one could easily see him as a nerdy high school student.
As expected emotions and hormones rise to a fever pitch as the entire school concerns themselves with the night's prom. Amongst all the bustle the Fever spreads throughout the school via bottled “Down Home Water” supplied to the students and a handful of sexual encounters of infected people.
The plot intensifies as the prom progresses into the night. Sores become evident, followed by vomiting, followed by vomiting blood, culminating in full-on blood spurting.
Our favourite character from Cabin Fever, Deputy Winston reappears in a sub-plot, which focuses on the rest of the town becoming infected with the virus, and his investigation into the source of it. Mark Borchardt, the subject of the documentary American Movie makes an appearance as Winston's cousin, the one mentioned in the first film. You know, the one who really likes to party.
In the cameo category, Cabin Fever 2 also uses the talents of cult celeb Larry Fessenden as an infected townie. A director in his own right, Fessenden played a role in and produced Ti West's first two features.
The director Ti West, doesn't do a bad job overall. The film has a very warped aesthetic, and carries out all the horror in a very tongue in cheek manner that does not come off too distracting, or pretentious. West, a younger gentleman, seems to be emerging as an interesting director. As of 2010 he's only 30 years old and already has four interesting features under his belt. Trigger Man is a suspense film involving three wannabe hunters who become the hunted. I make it sound corny, but it's really very well done with a realist aesthetic. Another, The House of the Devil, I haven't seen yet, but according to Screem Magazine (issue #20) is a very intriguing film, and also has a role played by Roger Corman film regular, Mary Woronov.

Artistic Merit: Ti West and Eliot Rockett, the cinematographer, really create a visually interesting film. Their skewed and eerie version of American high school melds well with the films plot.
Another arty quality is the heavy layer of gruelling and exaggerated gore laid over top of society's accepted image of pleasant teenage years, working as a comment on the mainstream ideal. There is disdain for the acceptable norms of coming of age in the U.S. and the titular Fever works to suggest that such outside appearances are not as pure and beautiful as they are presented to be. In this way Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever works in a similar way to Otis, as they both skew societal and Hollywood norms in order to drawing attention to their falsehood. The only people who end up safe and sound in the end of the film (SPOILER START) are two geek friends that skip going to the prom and stay home and watch Bride of the Cannibals 2 (something I think I wish I had done (SPOILER END).
You could also say that it is artistic the way the film plays on current fears of disease and germs, much like -and I realize this is an obvious example- Them! (1954) played off the fear of attack during the cold war. One part where “art” does not apply is in the horrid subtitle “Spring Fever”.

Viol-o-gor-o-meter: Pretty high. You have blood spurting, skin tearing off, pus flying around. Of course you also have the skin infections gratuitously shown. These are all things you can't un-see, but at the same time are done with so much humour (and the lowest of brows) that it is not as horrifying as it could be.

Availability: Very widely available

Bottom Line: It was not a waste of time. Compared to recent mainstream horror sequels this was top shelf. If you want to see what happens when someone gets sick and tired with all the American Pie films, and decided to make their own version, this would be the one to see, except in this film there's no sex with baked goods, just blood... I'm not saying this is a great film or even good. But it's a hell of a film.

Message received?: Rampage (2009)

2010-07-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

Uwe Boll describing his intentions behind his latest opus

Written and Directed by Uwe Boll, the mastermind behind the video game adaptations Postal and House of the Dead. Canada. 85mins

Category: Mass Murderer/Serial Killer, Shock-sploitation

I hope this film, instead of being a tasteless venture into the joys of mass murder, is a film with a comment on society. But what exactly is Mr. Boll saying?
The film is a portrait of a young fellow, Bill Williamson (Brendan Fletcher, who most memorably plays a troubled youth in the made-for-TV movie "Little Criminals") who lives with his parents and just happens to be bat-shit crazy. He harasses a barista, and shares his anti-establishment sentiments loudly with people in public places. His views, despite having some sanity to them, are akin the words spouted out by someone standing on the street with a large "end is nigh" picket sign.
So what does he decide to do? Suit up in riot gear and kill everyone!
What this film has going for it is that it is not enjoyable in the slightest. Our "protagonist" is a wholly unlikeable person, and when he goes on his rampage you don't feel his vindication, but rather a bit of throw-up in you mouth.
So is this a comment on violence in the media? On how violence is presented as a viable revenge-type option in film and TV?
Who knows.
What is clear is that this film is thoroughly upsetting, whether intentionally or not.

Availability: Widely distributed through Phase 4 Films

Bonus Post: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

2010-06-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, sir, while I crack kiss your lady"

This film is a little too well known for a Jive Turkey review, as I try to dig up some unknown and/or passed over stuff, but I feel that Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, needs a mention.
One reason is that this film in script and content has a lot in common with the gritty polizia (or the proper term Poliziotteschi) films. Similar to these films - Uomini si nasce poliziotti si muore (Live Like a Cop, Die Like a Man) comes to mind - we have our policeman, Nicolas Cage, the antiest of anti-heroes, engaging in all kinds of wrong deeds and yet still on the trail of a criminal (or criminals). Again like the polizias, the film reaches heights of laughability in its presentation of the gritty crime-filled world. The highlights of outrageousness mostly center around Nicolas Cage, who does a pretty good job as a strung-out cop. This is his best acting work since Leaving Las Vegas (a film in a similar vein). Chuckle along as our Bad Lieutenant, stakes out nightclubs in order to confront couples heading home to steal their drugs and eff the female half, take drugs in order counteract other drugs in his system, and torture old ladies for information, among many other law-bending activities.
Compared to the original, a cinema verite styled portrait of a troubled soul, this film builds and builds to a Hollywood-styled boiling point. Of course you'll have to watch it to know whether or not it boils over or calms to a simmer. (that was a really corny line)
Given that this film is directed by Werner Herzog, one might expect some meaning under the surface, or some sort of artistic flair. I believe it does have these things to a certain extent but it seems more like Herzog is having a few yuks both emulating and biting his thumb at typical Hollywood crime thrillers. I'm sure he's seen and laughed his ass off of at films like and Training Day and Street Kings.
What can one say, other than: Finally, Herzog's Bad Lieutenant.

Watch it, you'll laugh yourself to hell

A Question of Etiquette: Otis (2008)

2010-06-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Just like the good ol' days

Written by Erik Jendresen (Sublime, Crazy as Hell) and Thomas Schnauz ("X-Files", "Reaper", "Breaking Bad"). Directed By Tony Krantz (Producer of most other films on same distrubution label, also directed Sublime). USA. 100mins

Category: Comedy, Horror, Serial Killer/Mass Murderer

I'm sure we all love the great and creepy serial killer films, i.e. Zodiac, Silence of the Lambs. But, yes, there are a lot of them. At the same time, based on the abhorrent subject matter- usually involving strange sexual actions coupled with murder- I'm not sure these films need a good lampooning. The writers and director of Otis, on the other hand, feel they do.

Otis takes the horribleness of serial murder and deviant sexual fetishes and presents them as hilarious. Of course it's not just serial killers that the film is satiring, but the US and it's obsession with serial killers. For example, the “vicious” acts that Otis, the serial killler, engages his kidnappees in is in filmed role playing. In these homemade films, Otis, an overweight, nerdy 30something, plays a high school football player while the captured girl plays his girlfriend. Grease-like scenes are acted out in the most awkward fashion, and although sexuality is heavily involved, actual sex never comes up. Of course the overly cocky FBI agent assigned to the case jumps immediately to rape as something that occured during the girl's ordeal with the killer.

I don't want to say more, as this film should be seen. It's something different, and pretty hilarious, as they take every stark element of serial killers represented in the media, and either push it to the extreme or portray it completely ridiculous.

Availablility: Globally- Widely available through Warner Home Video's Raw Feed, Direct-To-DVD horror label

Locally- Try Invisible Cinema, Elgin Street Video, or Borrow

How I Got It: Once again, second hand at Turning Point

Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

2010-06-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Ravaged Rockabilly Rubes Rank Radest!

Category: Horror, Undead/Zombie, Slasher-ish, Hillbilly-sploitation

Written by Timothy Dolan (who's also written screen adaptations of the fairy tales Hansel & Gretel and Red Riding Hood). Directed by Steven Goldmann (Metallica's "2 of One" Video). USA. 98mins

When you decide to venture into the Trailer Park of Terror there are a few things you need to know: First, don't expect to see a film that has pretensions to be anything more than it is. Much like the B-Grade hit Zombie Strippers, TPT takes decadent pleasure in it's trashy, gory existence, without biting off more that it can chew. Unlike Zombie Strippers, this film does have some talent and budget behind it. The camera work, directing, writing are better than your average Underground Horror film. The people behind the making of the film have made the film appear as if they had pro-studio backing... almost. Trailer Park of Terror also has a few notable character actors in front of the lens. Among them, Priscilla Barnes, who's been in many accomplished roles since the mid-70s, plays a slutty mother figure; Country Singer Trace Atkins as a Randall Flagg type; Dwayne Whitaker, who you may know as the pawn shop owner/rapist in Pulp Fiction; and Lew Temple, who's played many the lanky redneck in films such as Devil's Rejects.

The plot is simple: a motley group of sinner-y teens are on a road trip to camp their wrongs away, lead by the chiseled-faced Pastor Lewis. Their bus crashes on rainy back road, and they are forced to enter the titular trailer park for help...

Knowing full well what kind of film they were making, the director and writer, although does give adequate screen time to the Christian Campers, develops the characters who inhabit the trailer park a lot more than is usual for these kind of films. The film begins with the story behind how the trailer park became so terror-filled, and about a quarter through the movie, in a flashback story, shows the colourful folks as the dredges of humanity they are, but (and I hate to say this) lovably so. Therefore when the undead hicks emerge to attack the crazy Christians, you almost cheer for the ghouls as the Christians are actually kind of jerks, and the trailer park zombies are at least entertaining.

Artistic Merit: The trailer park residents could be seen as a family. The setting firmly implanted in the American south is obviously a symbol of society in the U.S. of A. Much like Texas Chain Saw Massacre, this film could be seen as a metaphor for the decaying of the American Nuclear family. Not a new idea, as TCSM was made over 30 years earlier, but is made fresh with the inclusion of the Christian campers that are tied to the popular morality of western civilization. Most of these Christians however, despite being close to God, in a sense, either reveal that they are not as moral as they appear or reject morality altogether. So what you have in this film is the American (sort-of) family jeeringly represented as negative through the trailer folks and the dominant Christian morality shown as not as holy as they seem. These two groups clash resulting in a nihilistic view of the world where nothing is holy or just. The nihilism however is confronted with humour, not unlike the song "Nothing" by The Fugs (“Monday: Nothing/Tuesday: Nothing/ Wednesday and Thursday: Noooo-thing/Friday for a change, a little more Nothing/Saturday, once more, Nothing...”) .

SPOILER ALERT: In the end there is a survivor girl, but she is far from the virginal "girl next door" of past horror films, but instead is a goth girl, who is far from innocent. Using a person who doesn't fit the survivor girl profile, but who a viewer might cheer for regardless, is a hopeful rejection of dominant morality.

Killer "Kaliber": One of the stronger points of the film are the undead trailer park residents. You have a great selection of Southern Fried cliches cum zombie killers: The pretty, buxom Daisy Duke-type is the lead, followed by the wirey and skeevy redneck, the burly and meat obsessed butcher, the grossly obese spinster, the rockabilly-cat musician (my personal favourite), and last but not least, a unique addition to the hillbilly character cannon, the past-her-prime Asian massage woman. All these characters are fleshed out in the beginning of the film, which is may be one of the stronger parts of the film, as it shows the story of the massacre that turned the inhabitants into the undead. Although they all look horrific once zombified, they are all terribly fun to watch. They make their murderous deeds look more like shenanigans than horrific ordeals. The Rockabilly zombie also adds some borderline hokey, Southern styled musical performances to the flick.

Viol-o-Gor-o-meter: It's yucky. It almost reaches torture porn levels, with body parts airborne, bloody shed, peeling, cutting... on and on.

Availability: Globally - One of the most widely available films I've wrote about so far, check the internet or your local DVD chain store.

How I Got It: Second-hand at one of the best used records stores in Ottawa, Turning Point

Bottom Line: It's a well produced entry in the ever lovin' hillbilly-sploitation genre. A mix of slasher, zombie, crazy family and southern fried goodness. You know what to expect from the title, but overall, I'd say this scores higher than your average entry.

A Review in Buzz Talk: Black (2009)

2010-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

Written by Pierre Laffargue, Lucio Mad, Gabor Rassov. Directed by Laffargue. France. 115mins.

Category: Blaxploitation, Heist

This post-Blaxploitation film comes off like a Guy Ritchie caper, if you replaced Ritchie's British upbringing full of Martin Scorcese films and instead threw him in France with a steady diet of American International Pictures.

Through visceral, gritty photography this joyful romp digs deep into its genre's conventions both reveling in them and tearing them apart.

Look out: this film turns it up to 11 and keeps cranking until the knob breaks off. It then proceeds t kick in the speaker. The viewer is taken along for the ride but is still cloaked with a sheet of awe, wondering how this fun heist progressed to such outrageous extents.

Availability: Globally - On video through Canadian distributor Evokative Films
Locally - Glebe Video International

Passed Over: From Beyond (1986)

2010-05-31T05:29:00.000-07:00

It might look "fakey", but what monster looks "realistic"?

Why isn't this film a classic? "Passed Over" deals with films that Jive Turkey Video feels was not given a fair shake in the world of genre film, and should rightfully be ones the appreciate.

Our first one is Stuart Gordon's From Beyond. Based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft and adapted by Brian Yuzna (Bride of Re-Animator, Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 and 5), Dennis Paoli (Re-Animator, Ghoulies II), and Stuart Gordon, who also directed. USA. 86mins

Category: Sci-Fi, Horror, Mad Scientist

In short the film is a cross between Re-Animator and John Carpenter's The Thing directed by Frank Henenlotter. The film has an absurd plot about some gonzo scientific discovery and has all the goofy hilarity of Re-Animator or anything by Henenlotter. There's also some scoff worthy sexuality and the like inserted into the film for good measure.
What stands out about the film is the monstrous forms that emerge from the scientific experiments. These vile shapes of flesh, teeth, lumpy matter and body parts are simultaneously horrific and fascinating.
With all the hammy laughs, sex, and Freudian allusions (like the phallic and yonic monstrous shapes) a good case for satire is presented, so you can rest easy while you watch. It's a thinker and a schlock-fest.
A bonus feature in the film is an extended scene with Ken Foree (from the original Dawn of the Dead) in tiny red underwear, taking care of business.

Availability: Globally - Relatively widely available, distributed through MGM
Locally - Borrow, or try Invisible Cinema and Elgin Street Video

How I Got It: A DVD and book "blow-out" store on Yonge Street, 4 films for $20

The Wild Man of the Navidad (2008)

2010-05-25T05:54:00.000-07:00

Film buffs Southern Fry-you-up

Story by Dale S. Rogers. Written and Directed by Duane Graves and Justin Meeks. USA. 86mins

Category: Horror, Hillbilly-sploitation/Southern Fried, Bigfoot Legend(ish)

This film is co-produced by Kim Henkel, the man who produced The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). He also co-wrote TCSM, as well Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive (1977), one of the more stylish and hectic horror films out there. He also co-produced the newer Texas Chainsaw Massacres. It's easy to see from his accolades that this fellow stayed south. The Wild Man of The Navidad, much like Henkel, stays deep in the South: a good thing for those that have affection for the “Southern Fried”.

The plot revolves around the Dale S. Rogers character (whose real journals the film is allegedly based on) who after being fired from his job, opens up his massive property for hunting in order to make ends meet. Dale has a disabled wife that he must support and despite the warnings of the male live-in nurse (who has the hots for Dale's wife) that a beast lives on the land, Dale allows unknowing hunters to be the hunted (I know, it's a corny line).

What's unique about this film is that it spends a lot of time at a local bar: developing the small town, and Dale's character and history, through the conversation of the locals. The locals in this film are not your pretty Hollywood patrons, but some almost horrifically normal looking southern gents. Despite the lack of acting talent, the casting of real looking good ol' boys really adds to the grittiness of the film.

The film spends a good amount of time on the locals, but also spends a good heft of time of the strange triangular relationship of Dale, his wife and the nurse. The filmmakers do a good job at showing the growing depravity of Dale, and the perversity of the male nurse that leaves a bitter but funny taste in your mouth, reminiscent of films like Deranged (1974).

Finally, the monster: Not to worry, the film does not shy away from some slasher level attacks. The monster is an amalgamation of several things. One of the more interesting elements this Wild Man of the Navidad is that he bears more than a passing resemblance to the Sasquatch/Bigfoot legend.

The film combines so many filmic influences, sort of Tarantino-esque, that makes it work. You can tell that the filmmakers have a high appreciation of 70's exploitation, Herschell Gordon Lewis-styled films, slashers, and everything else in that vein. You can see the influence but also their love for it. The result is something that is scary, disturbing and hilarious, probably all intentionally so.

Artistic Merit: As mentioned above, they combine elements of all sorts of great horror, cult and exploitation films in this movie. So as a sort of film based amalgam-art (a la Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino) is where its merit lies. Or who's to say that two guys just going out and making a film they think is entertaining and putting it out there, is not art.

Killer "Kaliber": Now this "Wild Man" is both parts horrifying and lovable. As mentioned above the Wild Man has more than a little in common with our buddy Sass (Sasquatch). He a large mound of a creature, obvious draped in scrappy hides to cloth himself. Of course his big, round and soft looking appearance make his appear somewhat "huggable", if you will. Couple that with the fact that he's making waste of hunters (naughty folks), you sort of find yourself cheering him on. As the many expository scenes involving the town talking amongst themselves demonstrates, these folk are pretty close to the dredges of humanity, which in turn makes the Wild Man look alright. Brief and heavily shadowed glimpses at the Wild Man’s face make him out to be a considerably gruesome as well.

Viol-o-Gor-o-meter: Yep, it's moderately high. Guts flying every which way. It's somewhat gratuitous, as they all are, but doesn't go as far as it could have.

Availability: Globally - Relatively widely available through internet resources or specialty stores

How I Got It: Second-hand, 5 movies for $20 at EyeSore Cinema, in Toronto

Bottom Line: What can I say, other that it's a low-budget southern fried horror, done pretty well, by a few people who love the genre.

FUN FACTS: The Long Weekend (1978)

2010-05-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

"Fun Facts" are a list of facts presented throughout the running time of certain films.
This entry is The Long Weekend (1978)
Written by Everett De Roche (Patrick, Roadgames). Directed by Colin Eggleston (Outback Vampires (!)). Australia. 92mins

Category: Horror, Ozploitation, Nature Attacks

Let's Begin:

The best way to fix a dying marriage is to take your significant other on a stressful wilderness trip, treat them like crap, and then trap them there with you as you ignore them
In Australia, rifles are perfectly reasonable impulse buys
If you were to compare Sharks to a hare in the world of scary films, then Manatees (AKA Sea Cows) are the tortoises. Slow and steady wins the race.
It seems that kangaroos are to Australian what the deers and raccoons are to North America: roadkill fodder
When cutting down a tree, the onus is not on the cutter to present a good reason for cutting it down but rather on the other to convince them why NOT to cut it down
Further proof is presented that only jerks wear short shorts
Australians never finish their cigarettes or beer, but will sometimes open or light another beer or cigarette immediately after throwing an unfinished one away
Possums are scarier than bears when invading a campsite
Spear guns can be manipulated by the forces of nature
Barbie grow mold
Eagle eggs not only contain normal egg contents but are also filled with blood
Birds: they'll Eff your SH up, and Eff with other people's SH in order to completely get your SH Effed up

Availability: Relatively widely available

Bottom Line: Moody, Effective, and unintentionally funny. It's got your traditional 70s blipppy trippy soundtrack, that occasionally morphs into synth orchestration, but actually works well for this "natural" thriller. A solid "Fuck You" to humanity. Vegetarians rejoice!

Schizophreniac: The Whore Mangler (1997)

2010-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Just give me a sign, Velvet Jesus... Anything!"

or in order words "EVERYTHING DONE BY RON ATKINS with a teeny tiny little bit of help from John Giakaspro and Gary Lee Bauman. USA. 84 mins

Category: Horror, Serial Killer, Scare-sploitation

Comedian Paul F. Tompkins has this joke about the novella Go Ask Alice. For those that don't know this book is a cautionary tale about the horror of drug addiction told from the viewpoint of someone who is "actually doing it". The joke is bout how the book is rumored to be genuine but in actual fact is the "phoniest of bolognas". As Mr. Tompkins puts it, the book appears to be written a group of older out of people people who are trying to "get" the "kids of today" with "their own words". I'm paraphrasing.
Not unlike the intention of Go Ask Alice, this film comes off like a "raw look" at "some real shit, man." Schizophreniac has the subtlety of a punch in the face that comes from a mile away in clear weather. This film is in all honesty just like someone decided to make a film with the most effed things he could think of and then push the idea further and further. Confused? So was I.
Let's get some plot under our belts, shall we: Well, it is essentially about man, a perhaps stricken with schizophrenia, or just plain out of his mind. The film is like a character study much like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer if it was made by a 1950s scare-ploitation director, a la Reefer Madness or Cocaine Fiends.
What's really strange about this film is that it kind of has comic timing. Not only that but what one sees throughout this film, is horrible stuff that has been pushed to a ridiculous extreme as if it were for comic effect. You have scene where the Harry Russo, our anti-protagonist character, murders someone and then follows it up with a celebratory nude dance in a parking lot with a blonde wig on. One part Russo goes to pick up a prostitute, she tells him her price and he responds that he's short on money but has crack, to which she pleasantly agrees to take instead of money. This film really tries to get into the head of killer, as is evidenced by the over-used flashes to a scary, red lit image of Harry's face with a crazy effect. You know, what it's like inside of a crazy guy's head. There are many scenes that appear like joke sketches by someone with sick taste.
I'll leave you with a key sequence where Harry is masturbating, ("crazy")wig and all, in a porno theatre of all places ("FOR SHAME!"), and one of the patron demands that he "quiet down", as if the picky customer wanted to hear what the actors are saying. Harry ignores and continues to masturbate further.

Artistic Merit: Wow... This film, as mentioned above, really seems to create horrifying scenes with no purpose but to show you them. However, this could have other purposes. For example the director here could be creating something with seemingly little effort, showing abhorrent subject matter, something that by all measures of taste is an awful movie. By making such a film with no self censorship Atkins is refusing to make decisions for his audience and is therefore making the viewer judge the images for him or herself. Perhaps it is reality and society that Ron Atkins is holding a mirror up to, simply to make someone confront the horrors and then have to think about their own reaction to the film and how they feel about violence they come in contact with outside of the film.
Or perhaps the over-the-topness of the film is simply satire or parody of films and media in our society. The film really comes off as if it's trying to humorously show what would come out of an appalling director who is just so seeped into popular media that this is the kind of film is what he/she views as "real hard core stuff".
Think of what would happen if John Waters, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim were to collaborate of a horror film.
If that was the intention, then it's brilliant.

Killer "Kaliber": The killer or "the whore mangler" (ew... really?) is the kind of person that if you saw walking down the sidewalk toward you, you wouldn't care how obvious you were being when you crossed to the other side of the street. I guess you could say that the actor, John Giancaspro, was pretty effective. He left me questioning is he really wasn't a little crazy. I wanted to cross to the other side of the street to watch the film.

Availability: Globally - Relatively widely available, released through Brain Damage Films and Ron Atkins own site, Cut Throat Video
Locally - Borrow, or perhaps at Invisible Cinema
Quality: It's a DVD picture, but was recording on consumer video

Bottom Line: I guess it's like I said above: If John Waters collaborated with Tim and Eric to make a profile of a serial killer with the filmic handling of Reefer Madness

Left Bank (Linkeroever) (2008)

2010-05-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

Rosemary's Tenant

Written by Christophe Dirickx (The Misfortunates), Dimitri Karakatsanis (also the writer and director of an interesting looking film called Small Gods), and Pieter Van Hees. Directed by Pieter Van Hees (his first big feature). Belgium. 102mins

Category: Horror, Occult, Suspense, Mystery, Evil-Edifice, and a touch of Body-Horror

The first thing that comes to mind is Roman Polanski, but not in a bad way. The flick builds a creeping doom that has more than a little in coming with Mr. Polanski's best suspense-thrillers. It also doesn't shy away from the body horror aspect: sex, wounds, excretions, all you could ask for.
The film begins with our protagonist, Marie (Eline Kuppens, who's co-starring in the upcoming film Quixote's Island (!)) who is a runner and nothing else. Pushing herself to the physical extreme in training she is forced to stop running for the good of her health. The film does a good job showing how running is essentially her entire life, and when that's taken away from her she really has nothing.
She ends up staying with a young gentleman she fancies, and that's where things go further awry. His swanky and notorious luxury building, "Left Bank", has a little more going on that plush interiors. The tenants are weird, there's something up with the basement, the building's history is suspect.. I'm sure you get the idea.

Artist Merit: The film really uses cinematography to it's advantage, there is nary a shot that isn't beatifully composed for aesthetic pleasure or freaky effect. The pacing is great too, it really gives one the time to sink into the subject.

Ickyness factor: As mentioned above there's woundage, at least in a couple of keys scenes. Another stand-out would be the occurrence of the most curious and probably disconcerting period in all the world. This film does have a lot to do with the body and fertility, etc.

WTF: Wait around for the very end. What you end up seeing, without giving too much away, is something quite horrifying and head scratching at the very same time.

Availability: Globally - Widely available
Locally - Glebe Video International
Quality: High-end film equipement with high-end DVD authoring

Bottom Line: Sure, the overall plot isn't HUGELY original, but combining Polanski and Cronenbergian elements does create an interesting film. Who said there was anything wrong with amalgam-horror? Post-Modern, not quite, but just watch it, and if you invest you'll get creeped out.

-Patrick

The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976)

2010-04-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

A thrilling and icky bouquet of decent

Written by Laird Koenig ("Flipper" TV Show), based on his novel. Directed by Nicolas Gessner (It Rained All Night the Day I Left). 91 mins. US, Canadian and French co-production.

Catergory: Thriller, Suspense, Mystery, Killer Kid

What I didn't expect when I picked up this film, that was put out by a distributor called "Family Tyme" but was Rated R, and categorized as Horror, was something actually well put together. First of all you have a couple of solid actors, Jodie Foster and Martin Sheen. They show up in the first scene where Marty, or Frank Hallet, comes to the house of Jodie, or Rynn. He's looking for her father, but her father, a poet, is busy in his study and is not to be disturbed. It's Halloween night, and Rynn's birthday. Intrigued at the situation Frank comes in to have a few words with Rynn. The few words turn into inappropriate hand touches and an old smack on the keister. Shockingly reacting to the "friendly" tap, Rynn makes Frank hurry out of the house.
So If you didn't realize already that ol' Frank is a pedophile, you're informed later on when the local cop gives Rynn a pervert alert, in a manner of speaking.
What's curious about this little girl, however, is that no one has seen her father around. She's also unnaturally clever and intelligent for a 13 year old girl, and extremely able to take care of herself.
Although since her dad is never around she constantly has to deal with the crazy landlord Mrs. Hallet, mother of Frank, who's suspicious of Rynn's situation and moves quickly into hysterics threatening to evict Rynn and her father, amoung other things. Rynn is smart as hell through and half of the fun of the film is seeing her in wit battles with Mrs. Hallet, Frank, and to a lesser extent the local cop.
Of course Rynn isn't alone. She ends up befriending a daffy "self styled" magician (that's what they call him on the back of the video box) named Mario (Scott Jacoby, who plays another killer kid in the TV Movie Bad Ronald). Mario's your typical ducky-type character, yet in this case he gets the girl, and the two have a lurid love affair (yah, I'm not kidding). This is where the ickyness comes in. Sex between the two minors is not shown but is implied... you know they did it and do it, and all that. Something a little off-putting if you aren't Frank Hallet.
Although Mario is more that a dick with a wand, he helps Rynn cover up her mishaps and general situation, which is.... well you'll have to see it.

Ickyness Factor: Martin Sheen is uncomfortably good at being a creep, although compared to the emphasized (although implied) love making, of the two children, he pales in comparison. Call me a prude, I'm just not into 13 year old naked back. What with Jodie Foster being sexualized in her teens?

Artistic Merit: This film is competently directed, and has some muted stylistic flair to it. The ultimate scene is the end (semi-spoiler alert) where you see the killer's face watching their victim die, as the victim grabs for them and audibly dies. Chopin plinks away in the score.

Soundtrack: The score to this film is really interesting. First of all, the main score is this funky-like 70s score, composed by Christian Gaubert (this film is one of only two English film he composed for, the rest are French), that was common for the time, which is a little inappropriate but still super cool sounding. Then you have compositions by Chopin that work their way in. Rynn is a big fan, and therefore throws Freddy C on the turntable throughout the film which results in him supplying music for a scene or being picked up in the score.

Killer-Kid-o-meter: Rynn isn't a very scary killer-kid and definitely isn't one your against. Unlike some flick in this sub-cat, you're really rooting for her to kick ass. She's smart as hell, and Jodie Foster really brings the sympathy her way.

Availability: Globally - MGM has released a DVD so it should be relatively widely available
Locally - Not sure if any video stores around carry it, so it's a Borrow
How I Got It: Found the VHS at a Salvation Army Thrift Store

Bottom Line: It's a well made and entertaining film. It's hard to call it horror, but suspense for sure. The only problem is you have to deal with uncomfortable young teen sex, which is a reality, but still a turn off (to say the least)

-Patrick

Backwoods AKA Geek (1987)

2010-04-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

"You Geek! You Geek!"

Written by Dean Crow and Charles Joseph, Directed by Dean Crow. Indiana, USA. 1987

Category: Hillbilly-sploitation, Slasher(ish), Horror, Thriller

There's something irresistible about exploitation films of the Hillbilly ilk. I don't know if it's the cultural freak show aspect to it, or that more than not they're about the destruction of civilization and all that stuff that us bourgeoisie hold dear (and let's face it, if you have spare time to read this on your own computer, you're bourgeoisie). Is there some deep-seated desire for enjoyers of this crap to punch modern society in the face? Who knows.
Either way, this film is an interesting entry in the field that is both horrible and great at the same time. We're introduced to this lovely couple as they participate in lovely leisure activities while the worst casio music you've ever heard delights your ears. So they go camping. But what's with all these decapitated birds laying around?
Well the awesomeness begins when they wake to a start when a older fella is standing over his wounded daughter (or at least who you assume is his daughter). The couple helps out (the dude's a doc) and one thing leads to another and they end up having dinner with the dude, etc, mayhem ensues.
There's some serious suspense built up leading to the intro of the titular "Geek", which I don't want to give away, or what follows because it's just so darn daffy it's worth being surprised by it.
You know how these suckers play out.

Artistic Merit: The film opens with white credits on black with an old man's voice singing a little ditty that really sets a creepy mood before the casio tunes slap a scoff all over. There's also an extended scene where the couple are sharing diner (and later moonshine) with the creepy old man. The scene goes on and on, taking it's time, but building more and more suspense before the geek goofs everything up. The elderly gentleman can act, and he delivers some great and natural dialogue.

Killer "Kaliber": The geek takes the form of your your typical young yokel with a thinkin' problem. I'm actually surprised they didn't slap on some overalls and strap him with a banjo. Although with his dirty features and drooly mouth he does come off a little creepy, especially when he somehow survives a straight shotgun blow to the chest.
Death Scene: An interesting booby trap that features fishhooks. Both original and hilariously awful.

Availability: Globally - Cinema de Bizarre
Locally - Borrow
Video Quality: It's a VHS transfer, but it's not bad, so you get what that invloves

Bottom Line: It's a strange mix of equal parts suspense + brutal scary moments and laughable cheese + ridiculous mania

-Patrick

Smoke 'Em if you Got 'Em (1988)

2010-04-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

So it's the end of the world... why not have a Punk Rock Party!

Written and Directed by Ray Boseley. Australia. 48 mins

Category: Post-Apocalyptic, Comedy

Survivors of a nuclear attack on Australia, find a bomb shelter that is having a non-stop party. Unlike the famous Post-Apocalyptic films of Australia there are no expansive roads or crazy chases, what you have instead is an ensemble chamber drama of sorts. As soon as the survivors enter the party, the focus of the film quickly shifts to include the many people who are at this party. It becomes sort of a study on what people may do if they were faced with a definite end. Unlike other P-A films, the characters aren't trying to survive, they know their time is limited and they just want to live it up. Wasting time is emphasized in this film as something that should be avoided. It's just an all out assault on indulgence: drugs are running out, alcohol's running out, and as is mentioned in the film, the shelter holds about a year's worth of food that they need to use up.
It's competently directed with some cinematographic flair, and not just a simple back-and-forth or stable medium shot editing, but nothing that reaches MTV cutting.
It's a "comedy" but it's not really a haha funny one, I mean funny stuff happens but nothing that will really make you laugh out loud. That doesn't mean it's bad, it's actually a really fun film, it just means you'll have a good time and not bowl over with chuckles.

Artistic Merit: Although it's a low budget "romp" they do the best with what they have. There's relatively impressive outside world destruction that doesn't ring super stagey. Also if music is art, well you have a pretty decent punk band playing throughout the film.

Viol-o-Gor-o-meter: Other than some stabbiness, and seeing people nuclear blasted to skeletal remains in a real hokey manner, there are some stingy-looking wound a-plenty.

Availability: Globally - Cinema de Bizarre
Locally - Borrow
Video Quality: old but well kept VHS

Bottom Line: Original enough. Cleverly deals with how a mass amount of people would react to the imminent end of everything, and how there's still leftover concerns from their old life which seem so meaningless. In conjunction you also have an entertaining piece of low-budget fiascary.

-Patrick