Killa' in Manila: One Armed Executioner (1983)

Check out full cover at VHS Wasteland

Category: Action, Exploitation, Martial Arts

Written by Ray Hamilton (his only credit) and Bobby A. Suarez (They Call Him Chop Suey, Bionic Boy). Directed by Bobby A. Suarez (Cleopatra Wong, which is packaged with this film on DVD). Philippines. 95mins

Philippines is a magical place*.
The country has a rich history that's worth researching and learning about, if you have the time. However, where Jive Turkey Video is concerned, Philippines is a ruthless geographical hub where plenty of brilliant exploitation fare was spawned... for better or worse.
American filmmakers, like the legendary Jack Hill, used the locale for some of his quick and dirty delights because the production costs were quite a bit lower, and the safety regulations were quite a bit more lax which that let him capture crazier stunts, get pyrotechnics and pull off other awesome practical effects.
Unlike Hill and his contemporaries, the late Bobby A. Suarez, director of  One Armed Executioner, was no tourist but an honest to goodness Philippines native. Like a trooper, Suarez worked his way up in the film industry from Janitor (seriously!) to Hotshot(-ish) Producer.
One Armed Executioner came out in the early eighties which was roughly mid career for Suarez. It was also during the downturn of the Grindhouse era, but the beginning of the VHS boom. Sadly, despite it's key release time, the film never seemed to find mass cult status. I myself acquired this baby in it's original release VHS form through Paragon Video (many years after it's release, of course). What's particularly special about the Paragon release is that it crams a glut of trailers, for films that are also distributed on the label, at the top of the presentation. A couple of the trailers included were video faves Boarding House and Fulci's Gates of Hell AKA City of the Living Dead.
Anyway, onwards and upwards:

One Armed Executioner, which no doubt plays off of the classic One-Armed Swordsman film franchise, revolves around an Interpol agent Ortega, played by Franco Guerrero, billed as Chito Guerrero (supporting star of Suarez's Cleopatra Wong, as well as a tertiary role in the copyright-be-damned rip-off film Fight! Batman, Fight! that may unfortunately be lost to the winds of time), looking to bust a drug racket taking place in Manila.

The poster taunting about the magic that
could have been

The movie plays out like a run-of-the-mill cops vs. gangsters film, and leaves the viewer wondering when this whole “One-Armed” deal is going to happen. Well, patience in finally rewarded when about a third of the way through Ortega's children's book writing wife is murdered and Ortega is finally dismembered.
Here is where the film should kick into high gear and Ortega should start taking out his offenders one by one, in only the grisliest fashion. Instead you get to witness Orty tumble into single-stemmed alcoholic squalor. As the movie delved deeper and deeper into his alcohol-soaked depression it made me wonder if maybe the whole “Executioner” moniker of the flick was just a big ruse and we were just going to follow Ortega into his gloomy mono-membered death.
Luckily, a piece past the half-way point, the film picks up with the training sequence we've all been waiting for. An elderly master picks O from the depths of dirge and gets him kicking ass again. This part in no way rivals The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (or it's equally awesome successor/comic re-do Return to the 36th Chamber) but it still a welcome and delightful high point to this (so far) dreary plot. What's special about this kung-fu training though is it also involves gun play, which is both unprecedented and awesome. Of course it begs the question: why didn't the kung-fu master just train him in kung-gun-fu from the start and do away with the whole other crap? Either way, if you've made it this far in the movie, it's smooth sailing from here (as long as you qualify your smoothness in violence and blood and stuff)

The master's servant gets way too emotionally involved with Ortega
(not necessarily shown here)

What follows is the pudenda promulgated romp that you've hoped for. To be fair to the rest of the movie, the amusement is kept up post-mutilation as you see all the great ways they hide the arm. His body obviously gets thicker on one side, but also they seem to bind it in the front, making it look like he has a malformed pot belly. However the last half-hour or so is the best part of the film. There's enough guns, swords, bumbling thugs, etc, to satisfy any cult film crackpot. I just wish the film could take some points from the original One Armed Swordsman and get to the cuttin' sooner than later.

Like the original Zelda game, time-to-sword is minimal
in One Armed Swordsman

Sure, it's a slog at times, but a reasonably fun slog, which makes it a better than half good, and earns it 3 Nazi speed boats out of 5.



*Before writing this article I did research on the proper use of “Philippines”  in a sentence. I found that in modern times it is appropriate to treat the word as a proper SINGULAR noun without the use of a definite article in front. If you have evidence that I am incorrect in this usage I invite you to please bring it to my attention via the comments or contact me at jiveturkeyvideo@mail.com.

Jive Turkey Got a Face-lift

That's right.
We've changed our look, and there's more tweaks to come.

The fancy new header was designed by my girlfriend Mariel Kelly.
Check her out at marielashlinn.com and take a look at her fashion blog and get news about her upcoming store at http://theverynotion.blogspot.com/

Found Footage and Trollhunter (2010): Essay Time!

The found footage horror film is so commonplace in modern cinema that it's no longer innovative or edgy. This also means that we can look past the gimmick of Found Footage films and start seeing them for what they are, which is not all that bad.
Back in the days of The Last Broadcast (1998) or The Blair Witch Project (1999), dressing a movie up as mysterious footage found in some remote location was a great way to add mystique to a film's release and get asses in theater seats. When Blair Witch came out in the late 90s I was not immune to it's creepy charm. I was convinced this was real footage and that there was a legitimate mystery behind it. I mean, there was a website and everything, I couldn't imagine that the internet would lie to me.

I fell for it... so what

These curiosities were of course killed when the backlash exploded and the truth, that it was really a hoax, came out in the open. I can remember seeing Heather Donahue, one of the characters in Blair Witch who is named the same the actor, on some talk show promoting some teen movie she had a bit role in, my naïve illusion was burst...but I digress.
The venom that was heaped on Blair Witch in the years following its release seemed to do little to discourage the plethora of would-be Found Footage films from hitting the market. Paranormal Activity (2007), Cloverfield (2008), and The Last Exorcism (2010) all use the found footage/mockumentary approach to storytelling, were all released relatively close together and are coming out about a decade after Blair Witch.

We know Godzilla didn't attack New York,
but Cloverfield  is still in verité style

Leslie Vernon: a loveable rogue

This sub-genre, flooding of the market as it has, has no doubt turned many people off this kind of movie, but personally I think the saturation is a positive thing: It has given a new sub-genre to Horror. Much like the Slasher, or the Monster movie have done for Horror, the Found Horror has added some new ammo to the cannon. It has it's genre restraints just like the others, but also has the ability to subvert and play with other sub-genres of horror. Take for instance Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006). The movie mixes the traditional slasher with the exposé-style documentary to make a funny and scary flick, that's actually pretty damn good.
The Found Horror also gives independent filmmakers a popularly accepted and understood film form that doesn't require a high budget. It almost does the opposite and demands a low budget (or at least the appearance of one). The film S&Man (2006) (pronounced “Sandman” not “S-ampersand-Man”) is, at it's core, a really intelligent and even handed documentary investigating good, bad and ugly of underground gore/horror films. Throughout the documentary is also weaves a story of a horror fan who may also be a murderous psychopath and in turn becomes a sort-of  found indie Horror flick itself. The film is very low budget, and rightfully so, as it's documenting super low budget films, as well as throwing its own hat into the ring as a frugal fright flick.
Of course Found Horror isn't without drawbacks. Just like any other genre there's a lot of crap out there. But there are gems, and the crap make the gems shine brighter, and this is where we finally get to  Trollhunter.

Jive Turkey shines a light on Found Horror

Category: Horror, Creature Feature, Found Footage, Norway!

Written by André Øvredal and Håvard S. Johansen. Directed by André Øvredal (Future Murder). Norway. 103min

Trollhunter sells itself very much like a found footage films, kicking off with a brief explanation of where the footage was found and what was done to it in order to bring it to the screen.
At the core of the film, there's not too many surprises. It hits all the right notes of these kind of films and doesn't really play with expectations or flip genre conventions.
So how can it be so good?
Well think of it as a well written pop song. A ditty by Superchunk or Big Star or something. It hits the verse, chorus, verse structure, but does so very well you fall in love with it so easily. It's paced nicely and keeps your attention the whole time, but doesn't become annoying or repetitive. Trollhunter is the “I Want You to Want Me” of Found Horror Films.
Oh, did I mention it has trolls in it?!
I haven't seen a troll film since, well, Troll (1986) (and no, Troll 2 doesn't count, because despite its title, it had goblins). However in this film they are not weird little mischievous monsters, but huge hulking brutes, as they should be. They're essentially the Norse version of Kaijus and are terrifying.
It's like a Scandinavian Jurassic Park without the boring stuff and Spielberg touch. Much more raw and much more brutal. So maybe it's the “Take on Me” of Found Horror, but “Take on Me” done in the style of Black Metal. (How would that sound?)

The Gang suited up for the hunt

In a few words: it's just really great.
So like it or not, Found Horror has not found it's death... yet. There's apparently still more to say.
Trollhunter gets 4 chewed up tires out of 5

Now meet the Best?: Lady Avenger (1988)

Category: Action, Drama, Revenge, Exploitation

Written by Keith Kaczorek (TV's "Hey, Arnold" and "Angry Beavers") and Will Schmitz (his sole feature credit). Directed by David DeCoteau (Dr. Alien, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama). USA. 82mins


The new year is fresh and docile as wait for something big to happen. In the interem, however, Jive Turkey Video keeps it comin' with the awesomely titled David Decoteau (director of Creepozoids and Dreamaniac (read the review)) gem, Lady Avenger.

Let's get into it, shall we:
After the radical neon pink credits clear out we're introduced to Maggie, played by Peggy McIntaggart (Beverly Hill Cop II, She-Wolves of the Wasteland, Playboy Playmate of the Month: January 1990), under the pseudonym Peggy Sanders, who is allowed out of reform school, or woman's prison (it's unclear) to attend her brother's funeral. After finding out that her brother was murdered by gangland thugs, a revelation that takes more than enough running time to get to, Maggie evades her jail-appointed matron (who's character is dropped from the plot a quarter of the way in) to get revenge. Coincidentally, when she's off cruising around with her boyfriend, the duo are attacked by a trio of 80s bad boy cliches, who also happen to be involved with Maggie's brother's murder. Each thug is wearing a different rag typical to their archetype: leather, a belly shirt and a sleeveless jacket with no undershirt. Unfortunately for Maggie and her beau, they failed to park in the NO-RAPE zone and as a result end up in a tussle with the 3 scoundrels. The altercation leads to a car chase that, as boring as it is, only comes in second place for the dullest chase of the film. Both cars seen to be going to speed limit, and one of the goons even demands his driver to “be careful!” The scene ends with a surprising and explosive fatal collision that the ternary group somehow escape from, relatively unscathed.

Back cover images leave a little too much to the imagination

The film is really not afraid to take it's time unfolding the plot, and really should be. Scenes are drawn out, shots linger, and the second car chase is incredibly more slow and steady than the first. There are also scenes that make no sense which help to pad out the plot making the film ever more lumbering. For example there's an impromptu strip scene that shows Maggie's friend performing the deed while confessing to have purchased a car. The scene is smash cut in and out with no explanation or follow up.

Why is this scene even in the movie?!

A little less Gun for Hire,
a little more dancer in the dark

The daring dame of the flick, Maggie, is also not what I would choose for a killer heroine. She has the demeanor of a drown rat and when she's decked out in her kickin'-ass threads, seems less like Lady Rambo (as the cover would have you believe) and more like a Bruce Springsteen fan. This film should be a simple, straight-forward action film, but instead conducts a grand conspiracy surrounding Maggie's brother's death, involving the thugs mentioned before, the town yuppies, some harbor hippie, and a party supply store which all leads back to her Stepfather. Don't worry, I did not give away the end of the film as the Stepfather's first scene he's shown sipping a low ball glass of straight water as danger music plays over top. No reason is given to this presentation, but leaves you assuming he's up to no good. Subtlety is not this movies strong point.


If I had to pick out some redeeming qualities it would have to be the bright pink credits, the hilariously forced nudity, and the use of the word “assholism”, heard only once before (at least to my knowledge) in John Waters' Pink Flamingos.

This movie should be undertaken as a group project, with equal parts alcohol ingestion and heckling. For what it is I give it 2.5 out of 5 peach-coloured chinos.

First Annual Jive Five: The Brightest, Boldest and Bullroariest of 2011

Like this blog: hidden
among the trees

Every magazine, blog, website, etc. seems to be spewing out their top picks of this past year. Inundating the world with their meaningless choices, these chump journalists are all sending out a barrage of what they thinks is the best or worst in everything. Do people really care about what some privileged snob has deemed worthy? Can't people think for themselves?
In response to this, Jive Turkey Video has decided to do NOTHING different. Here are the top five Brightest, Boldest, and Bullroariest of 2011.

Brightest

Movies that are actually good

5. Adventures of Tin Tin
Yes, it's a big budget romp, but it's everything the fourth Indiana Jones film should have been.


4. Last Circus *
Alex de la Iglesia has produced a mixed bag of flicks, but this one stands out as a deranged as all hell tale with a good helping of Edgar Allen Poe style.


3. Paul
Nick Frost and Simon Pegg make entertaining and hilarious movies, you can't fault them for that. 


2. Trollhunter*
Although it operates in the tired “found footage” sub-genre of horror, this one brings something different and rises above. It's also Norse. (Review coming soon)


1. Insidious
Finally, a mainstream horror film that is actually really good and really scary. 

Behind you! It's Darth Maul!

Boldest

Movies that are so bad they're good or purposely bad and good at it

5. Cowboys & Aliens
Pretty much a reiteration of every alien invasion film you've ever seen, but done in the wild west. Still decently fun. Worth it just to see Harrison Ford slur and grumble all his miserable dialogue.


4. Scream 4
Better than the 3rd, not quite as good as the 2nd . The satire remains, the plot is goofy, it's a sequel and it knows it. You know what you're getting into.


3. Sucker Punch
There are many complaints about director Zack Snyder, but he's good as making visually exciting scenes. It's like a series of big, dumb and violent video game scenes mashed into a film.


2. Drive Angry
Nicholas Cage back from hell and out for revenge. What else needs to be said?


1. Hobo with a Shotgun
Hobo. With. A. Shotgun. Read the review

An instant classic

Now before we continue on to the worst of the year there a couple of categories to go through first.

Biggest Surprise

Red State
Kevin Smith can make a pretty decent cop thriller, who knew? Michael Parks tear it up as a crazy religious zealot is worth the ticket price.

Rev. Cooper says "Watch before ye judge!"

Top Films I wish I saw this year 

(that would have probably ended up on this list had I done so)

3. Skin I Live in
2. Meloncholia
1. Drive

From the director of Valhalla Rising comes a really cool looking film

And Now:

Bullroarist

Bad movies that were actually bad.

5. Season of the Witch
Bad and Boring, not even Nick Cage could save this. The last 10 minutes where all hell breaks loose was the only redeeming quality. 


4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Is this the one where they sync that Pink Floyd record up to the movie?


3. Green Hornet
Not funny, not good. The Michel Gondry touches were neat, but I could have just watched some Chemical Brothers videos and wasted less time.


2. My Name is Khan*
A horribly sacrine film about an aspergered Indian man goes on a journey to tell the president of the US “My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist”. HOORAY! It panders to every fake sentimental bone in the viewers body, and it's really long and boring.


1. Hallpass
The actors and directors of this film are all relatively capable to make genuinely funny films, which makes this “bro” comedy surprising when it turns out to be nothing more than a sexist romp where every joke fall flat on its face. 

One week. No rules. No good.

That's it for another year and who cares?




* Footnote: These are technically 2010 films, bu there would have been no way to see them, save being an elite festival invitee, before 2011

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) Opened

"Sexy" import VHS cover

Category: Horror, Slasher, Thriller, Christmas

Written by Derek Ford (A Study in Terror, Groupie Girl, What's up Superdoc), Alan Birkinshaw (Killer's Moon, Invaders of Lost Gold) under the pseudonym of Alan McGoohan, he may have also done some or a lot of the directing. Directed by Edmund Purdon (star of film, and his only directorial credit). UK. 86mins

With one more sleep 'till Christmas we come to the final entry in the first Jive Turkey Holiday celebration with a pearl of a film I just couldn't wait another day to watch: Don't Open Till Christmas.

Hitting the screens in the mid 80s, the heyday of the slasher genre, and the beginning of the VHS boom, Don't Open Till Christmas is a sort of Voltron of a film that positions itself in a interesting way. Trying to hit its audience of many fronts, this film is a mix of Cop Thriller, Slasher and Giallo genres, with a British zest that unlike last week's Elves, is better for it.

In short, the film revolved around haggard Inspector Ian Harris (Edmund Purdom, Pieces, Absurd, 2019: After the Fall of New York and in the starring role of my personal biblical fave Herod the Great) who's tasked with the duty of stopping a recent brash of Santa killings.

Purdom circa Don't Open Till Christmas

DOTC has all the majesty of a British crime drama: an old, sick and tired cop archetype (check out Donald Pleasance in Raw Meat a great performance of this type of cop), coppers hanging out in New Scotland Yard deliberatin' and solvin', and of course the gloriously grungy streets of London. There's also a handful of colourful characters and a plot that sets up a serviceable who-dun-it, MacGuffin and Red Herring structure à la Alfred Joseph Hitchcock. That's not to say however that the mystery eclipses the bloodshed, far from it.

Who could it be?

The Slasher and Giallo elements are fully cranked up in this flick. The movie opens with a scene of a older guy in a Santa suit meeting up with a young lady on a darkened street for an implied affair. As the couple walk toward a parked car the camera follows them and that familiar asthmatic breathing kicks in. You realize instantly that the film has just plopped you directly in “Killer-Vision”, the first person horror technique popularized by Jason Vorhees. The breathy POV confronts the tryst and I'm sure you can guess what happens next. Despite the development of the mystery behind the Santa killings, there's quite an emphasis on the killings themselves. Bloody and brutal through and through, the killing sequences are a-plenty and at varying lengths. Some kill scenes are pretty epic, namely one that takes a good chunk of time in the London Dungeon, a historical horror attraction in London, and some are short and sweet, much like the Santa who, out of nowhere, gets speared through the back of the head to the other side. There's one kill scene that turns into a music video as Santa runs into a studio where they are filming one, it's pretty 80s-licious, and thanks to The Cinema Snob, you can experience it.

The deaths themselves aren't the most original, taking a lot out of the Mario Bava handbook, but there's still a good mixture: you've got face burning, stomach stabs, a knife that pops out of a shoe and a castration, to name a few. The Santas themselves are for the most part only introduced to be killed, but are a charming variety of individuals including a rich philanderer, a stage performer, a scumbag jerk, a fat sexual harasser, a peep show perv, a drunk hobo and even a lady porn star.

Oops

Where the film fails is with the supporting characters. With the Inspector being the only interesting or likeable character, the rest of the film is polluted with many other vexing personalities that you wish would dress up as Santa, so they too could bite it. Tied for worst are the protagonist couple made up of Kate (Belinda Mayne, Krull, the fake Italian-made sequel to Alien, Alien 2: On Earth) the daughter of the second Santa victim and her love interest (who in real life I'm sure is interested in gentlemen), Cliff, (Gerry Sunquist, Great Expectations, Boarding School). Cliff, who inexplicably carries a flute around for one scene, and Kate, who has a striking resemblance to Cybil Danning, have zero chemistry. Their lack of love makes things weird when a bizarre love triangle is suggested between the couple and Insp. Harris, but also makes things hilarious when Cliff brings Kate to a some creep's apartment for a porn shoot, and sticks around the bone the model when Kate takes off. Another offensive character is the hammy Giles (Alan Lake, the X-Rated comedy Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair), who poses as a journalist who seems to be up to no good and in actual fact is (*gasp*) up to no good.

Giles and Kate chew the scenery

Without giving too much away, the reason behind the killing has moral reasons related to childhood trauma revealed in a hilarious flashback that has all the ridiculousness could could ask for.

Compared to the other Yuletide films, this final Christmas entry was more or less the cherry on top. Not a perfect venture by a long shot, but not an utterly flawed one either. Derivative, yet stimulating, I give this one three and a half out of five senseless flutes.

Have a good one.

Nazis and Christmas: Elves (1989)

Category: Horror, Christmas, Creature Feature.

Written and Directed by: Jeffrey Mandel. USA. 89min

How can a movie with such a simple and straightforward title be so convoluted?

If Elves had any idea what kind of movie it wanted to be it might be a fun little gem, instead this film goes through more changes than Bowie and the result is a bit of a mess. Although with a bottom of the barrel budget and a maniacal plot, it does manage to drum up some fun, intentional or not.

In typical horror fashion, the film kicks off with a trio of young women up to young women shenanigans. The Sisters of Anti-Christmas, as leading lady Kirsten (Julie Austin, Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice) dubs her gang, crank up the plot by performing a ritual in the name of humbug. They make use of a drawing of “The Virgin of Anti-Christmas” who has art deco boobs that Kirsten designed herself. Unfortunately the gals flub-up their blood oath spilling Kirsten's blood on the forest ground and spawning an evil elf.

This has alot of meaning later on in the plot... kind of

The elf is someone in a rubber Jawa-sized suit that's a step below classic Godzilla quality. Running around, his mouth agape the entire film, the elf monster looks more like the love child of Nosferatu and Golem than an elf. As horrifying as he sound the elf is one of the least scariest characters in the movie, Kirsten's family, a rogues gallery of dysfunctional people, win the creepy contest by a long shot.

Is he laughing? Yelling? Lock-jaw?

Kirsten's younger brother is a foul-mouthed little pervert who spies on her in the shower and when caught proclaims “You got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everyone I saw them”. Of course, he has enough taste to sport Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas, but is still a shitty brat.

"You have big fuckin' tits..."

Kirsten's crazy mother (Deanna Lund, TVs “Land of Giants”, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine) who's barely older than Kirsten seems to hate Kirsten,commits felicide and is (SPOILER ALERT) the sole full frontal nude death in the movie (SPOILER END).

The absolute worst is Kirsten’s grandfather (Borah Silver, who had a bit role in Escape from New York). Wheel-chair bound and emotionally unstable, the grandfather is introduced by slapping Kirsten in face for going out late at night, only to apologize immediately after and whimper about how much he loves her. Grandpa is also a card-carrying Nazi involved in a clandestine operation to create the master race using his daughter and the self.

The most colorful character of the cast is Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty, known for his specialty of playing the role of “Grizzly” Adams in several Made-for-TV Movies and specials), a man who can best be described as a mix between Kenny Rogers and Hulk Hogan. Mike is a down-on-his-luck ex-mall cop who is rehired as the mall Santa after a stint in unemployed squalor. After the elf begins his rampage, McGavin, having previous detective experience, takes it upon himself to solve the mystery behind the killings.

"Sadsack" McGavin, the human sigh

The movie spends a lot of time developing characters and plot, when all you want to see is the “fucking little ninja troll” (as the brother calls the elf) killing people, but since elf looks like a terrible slimy Muppet, maybe less is more. If the elf had more screen time you wouldn't be able to find out about Mike McGavin's shitty life, you wouldn't have the opportunity to listen to the idiotic, sex obsessed (and hilarious) banter of Kirsten and her friends (who really are the female equivalent of douche-bag bros), and you especially wouldn't have a Santa vs. Nazis shootout.

It's true that the video camera used to shoot the film is consumer grade at best, the audio recording is inaudible at times, and the plot structure is unfocused and poorly paced. That's not to say, however, that the movie doesn't have it's good points: There's a fatal crotch stabbing, crazy elf theories (involving Nazis, genetic engineering and training elves to be assassins), and the many other moments as I mentioned above. You also get to witness the Sisters of Anti-Christmas play a quick round of sexy dress-up in a department store after-hours. Unfortunately what was considered sexy over 20 years ago is not necessarily what's considered sexy now.

Who's feeling sexy, ladies

By the end of the movie, a lot of people die and you're left scratching your head wondering what you just saw. Was is a slasher? A conspiracy flick? A crime thriller? Why is it called “Elves” when there's only one elf?

Whatever the movie is, I've seen things I can't un-see, and don't want to. It's Christmas Curio, and a serviceable one at that. It mixes the horrible with the hilarious in a decently appealing way. I give it three foaming mouth Nazi deaths out of five.